As human beings, it is inevitable that we will encounter losses and pains, in one way or another...
And in it, we grief.
Yet, there are times when the pain or loss seems too great, too painful for us to deal with at any one time. So we put off dealing with this pain of loss. We put off grieving...
When we suffer a loss, it is natural that we go through the 5 steps of grieving:
Shock > Denial > Anger > Bargaining > Acceptance
I know that I, for one, is not someone who deals with grief and loss very well.
As a child, I remember feeling very intense emotions, very intense pain when dealing with minor separations and losses. It was so great, that I didn't know how to deal with them. Surely, it did not help for adults around me to just downplay my emotions...
"Oh, it's no big deal. Get over it..."
"Stop crying. Don't cry over such silly things..."
"Don't worry, we'll get another one in the future/we'll see them again next time..."
etc.
Surely, they meant well, but as a child, hearing these words, I can only assume that emotions are not normal or even not real, that I'm being ridiculous or weird for feeling the way I felt. So the only way is for me to do what seems to be the most practical thing to do - push it down and numb it out.
For a long time, that's all I did...and kept trying harder to do... numb it out, push it down, pretend that everything is ok...
But everything is not ok...
And sometimes, they spill out. Or someone perceptive would tell me - "it's all over your face..." Yet, I didn't know what to do with them. Try harder to hide?
It is only much much later, in my years of teaching dance, discovering my dancing body, going deep into meditation and trusting the voices within me, that it started to become obvious. All those pain that I thought I've pushed down or numbed out, were all still inside of me...hidden...
The pain manifests in tightness, and even injury. Sometimes they express themselves in sickness, or drama with people around me... but they all were there for a reason - I need to feel them...
Feel, process... in other words, go through the grieving process of it.
Over the years, one by one, things came out. Sometimes, they just rush past like a storm. Others, they come through one by one for me to contemplate and see clearly.
Either way, there is no escaping. It is only through acceptance, allowing...
Allowing myself to feel, to experience it in its full extend, and let it go, that I can fully heal from them...
As many are saying now, "you gotta feel it to heal it...".
I knew it all too well myself.
At this point of time, I am grieving a loss. I can feel there is so much grief in my body, I can't just force myself to dance and pretend to be upbeat, that everything is ok. But I slowly work through them.
Sometimes, I seem to be progressing, sometimes, I seem to be taking 3 steps back. While there is new grief, there are also lots of old, unaddressed grief, and all kinds of things I didn't know I would feel, but it's ok.
I trust the process, and I'll keep going, and healing.
And with each cycle, I feel lighter and brighter, more clearer and centred within myself.
After spending many years in dance, trying to find a way to teach mindful movements/authentic movements/movement meditation, I realised I had to put it aside, as most people who are looking to learn dance isn't looking for those things, but would rather prefer more lively, more technical, more showy styles of dance. In other words, it was learning dance for the external form - hardly anyone was looking to learn dance to go inwards.
So many years on, I stepped into yoga. And though - hey, now here's a bunch who is already learning to go inwards. They are learning yoga afterall - a spiritual practice, a mindful exercise.
So I thought, maybe I could bridge the gap a bring dance to the yoga audience instead.
It wasn't hard. I just needed to choreograph some nice flowing poses, throw in a little dancey pose here and there, and move to some nice flowing music.
Many enjoyed it, thought it was a good way to gear up their yoga practice, learn some new moves/poses, and sweat.
However, I started noticing a few things...
Firstly, like Vinyasa, because of the speed of moving from one pose to another, bad habits started forming - hunched shoulders, limbs are not fully extended, body not fully aligned. For advanced yoga practitioners, this issue may be minimal, but most are not, and I really do not want to reinforce these bad habits, if not eliminate them. But really knowing how correct alignments and extend limbs require more detailed work, with many pauses and paying close attention to little details. And then remembering to implement them during the flow.
Failing which, I risk injuring the students more. And injuries are hardly worth the risk of practicing any form of yoga.
That aside, I found that I wasn't exactly teaching mindfulness, much less mindful movements - which require some practice in meditation and slow, meditative movements.
I haven't found a solution to that. So I stopped teaching...
But soon, many more yoga dance classes started around my city. I don't know what happened there but I haven't heard much of it in recent years. Perhaps they too, bumped into the same dilemmas I did.
However, with the recent Embodiment movement, given a kick at last year's gigantic Embodiment Conference which brought together a multitude of expertise from dance, movement, therapy, medicine, psychology, from east, west and around the world, witnessing more diversions and bridgeing of yoga and mindful movement practices, I'm now confident that perhaps what I was envisioning was not totally off track, but rather needing some fine-tuning, development and learning from more experienced teachers and form those who did researches in various fields of expertise.
I'm also more inclined now to reach to an audience who are seeking for more - something beyond the commercial, the appearances - who want something deeper, a spiritual, insightful and healing experience towards dance/yoga.
And with that, I will continue my work, my search, to find that balance, between art, health, performance, fitness and healing.
Many times, we associate the word Ego as someone who is 'highly egoistical', someone who is usually quite arrogant and selfish, and sees themselves as superior to others.
But Ego means much more than that. Ego simply means the self. An outer layer of self that is presented to others, that is thought out and perceived by our conscious minds.
It refers to our association of who our 'self' is - our personality, race, religion, nationality, education, job scope, and the like - most of which are societal constructs and does not define who we truly are - consciousness.
From there, we define what we are and what we're not, who we are more willing to associate with, what we are more likely to do as a career, what hobbies we prefer, what rituals we perform, holidays we celebrate.
In some sense, it is not necessarily a bad thing as it adds colour and variety to life. After all, all colour mixed up simply becomes black, or ugly shades of brown. So there is value in keeping certain things separate at some point.
But what I'm about to talk about here is not about societal structure, but rather, the darker side of holding on to our ego/personalities - that is trauma.
As you can imagine ego limits us to a certain way of thinking and behaving. But not only that, it also locks us up into our own limiting storylines...
The healing process is strange in the way that it requires us to see things both ways.
First, we have to see and accept our shadow selves...
Then we have to let go and dis-identify with it.
For example, if you have depression, you first need to acknowledge it, ie:
- Yes, I feel depressed.
- I accept that I am experiencing depression.
- I will do what I can do treat myself better and get better, such as seeing a counselor, talking to loved ones, making lifestyle adjustments and removing elements that are contributing to my depression, taking a break and forgiving myself for not being able to perform and do things as I used to, and taking prescribed medications if necessary.
But to complete the road to recovery, one also need to dis-identify the self with depression. It requires one to change their inner dialogues to create deep and lasting change, ie:
- Depression is just a feeling that I have. (to replace "I am a depressed person")
- I don't have to do this if it is causing me so much pain.
- I don't have to force myself to be grateful if having this doesn't really make me happy.
These steps are also applicable to every aspect of healing, including trauma or chronic diseases:
- I accept that I have experienced this event
- I accept how that event made me feel at the time of occurrence, that I felt hurt, anger, hatred, shame, etc...
- I allow myself to fully experience those emotions as it is simply how I feel. I respect my feelings...
And then dis-identify
- I don't have to be that traumatised person. It is not who I am.
- I don't have to be who I am because of that event. I can always be who I wanted to be, regardless of what happened or didn't happen to me.
Because the truth is, we are the stories we tell ourselves. And we can be whoever we want to be, by cleaning up our hidden emotions, forgive and let go of what does not serve us, and retell our own story.
Very often, we tend to associate relaxation as a state of passivity, resting, and basically non-activity.
Not only is this untrue, it also encourages stressful, intense behavioural patterns.
There is such a thing as relaxed effort - an understanding of energy efficiency.
The use of 'swing'
Swinging is a common act in playground play. As children grow up, we graduate from being pushed on the swing to kicking the air by ourselves. Either way, there is a sensation of freedom and fun in the rise and fall, against or into gravity...
In swinging, we learn to orientate ourselves in the direction we want, we control the balance of weight and kicking on both sides of our body, lest we start to wiggle side to side(that is, if you are on the traditional metal chain swing).
We learn to control the amount of strength we use, and we find that as we swing more and more, we only need to add a little extra effort for it to go higher, and eventually, we need not apply any effort at all and it keeps swinging at a height and velocity that is enjoyable. We only add on a little gentle kick occasionally to sustain that height. Kick too hard, you might find that you start to swing outside of your comfort zone, and you might lose control and possibly even fall off the swing into a crash landing.
Some master dare devils might even demonstrate the ability to swing all the way up and make 360 degrees turns. But most of us simply enjoy the feeling of weightless, effortless movement, with the wind in our hair. It is truly a delight...
Aside from the standard seat swing, you might also find yourself swinging on other apparatus; perhaps the monkey bar, or the climber. Or perhaps you're just swinging your arms as you skip towards your friend on the other side.
On the field, as you get older, you might be practicing baseball, or tennis, badminton, golf, etc, where you find yourself practicing your swing. You lead with your arm, and the rest of the body follows.
Either way you do it, the one thing in common is that, you need to loosen up and let go when you go for a swing. If you hold on tight, you're merely lifting, not swinging.
You also lose the joy and the feeling of effortlessness...
Directional Swing
Yet, a careless swing with no obvious direction only leads to one looking like a deranged individual. On a seat swing, you'll be flinging yourself all over the place, possibly knocking into others who are seated beside you.
Swinging, effortlessness, relaxation, balanced with movement, creates a wonderful, enjoyable experience. But if done without direction, would throw you off in no time.
Swing in Dance
Swinging in dance is the same.
An effective swing in contemporary dance for example, is light, minimal effort, and directional.
Done right, it can help lift you to great heights, whether its your arms, your legs, or your whole body.
But wherever the movement is initiated, the whole body is involved in its lift. We orientate ourselves in the direction we
want, we control the amount of strength we use, and we find that as we
swing more and more, we only need to add a little extra effort for it to
go higher...
So, let's enjoy this video of the Rite of Spring, with lots of highly intense and complex movements, often propelled by the power of swing... (among others)...
So, looks like it's been years since I last posted on this blog.
Why? Because I simply lost the inspiration. Not just the inspiration to write, but the inspiration to create anything, to dance, even to live...
This past 5-6 years had been a whirlwind of ups and downs. Mostly downs, but I trust that they were for good reasons...
I went back to full time work, left again, struggled with my back pain/total half body pain and terrible ankle sprain, struggling to create dance again, learning about the material world, discovered my twin flame, discovered yoga, going back to my spiritual journey, starting again...
The first year in, 2013, while I try to continue teaching, creating and performing, I couldn't deny my creative block anymore, and I continued to be flooded with the pressure of needing to do more and better. This while I was struggling with the excruciating muscle and nerve pain in my back. I lost my inspiration..
Going back into full time work...
About a year in, I had a double-whammy ankle sprain. Twice, same leg. The first one was when I was still freelancing and part timing. I heard my ligament pop. I knew it's bad. I've twisted my ankle numerous times, but I've never had it so bad. I was out for about a week, but I went back into teaching too soon, too eager to earn my wage, didn't give it enough time to recover fully. I had an upcoming performance in about a week, more rehearsals with Qi Dancers (a Chinese dance troupe I was part of at that time, lead by Jack Kek). Only 2 days of rest, I gave myself. It was swollen inside for so many days as I worked hard, I was living hand to mouth. I was rehearsing, dancing on heels, on hard ground. To top it off, on the same day of the sprain, I have a computer CPU slide off a desk and nailed it's sharp edge onto my little toe. I knew it would have fractured it. I remember so well the pain I was in.
I also remembered the desperation that drove me to take up a full time job, as they needed people, and I need to feel 'taken care of', as a full time employee. I didn't want to have to treat myself that way again, without paid sick leave and all.
Unfortunately, just a few months in, I had a little incident at the trampoline. I was bounced unexpectedly, not a big deal supposedly, but my ankle was loose and it gave way, folding inwards. I knew it was terrible. I hear all the small ligaments tear. I cried, worrying if I'll even walk normally again, much less dance. I was out - couldn't was for a month, went on crutches. Fortunately, I get to witness the amazing power of the body, repairing itself and making do with such damages. Slowly, I was able to walk again, and although I stopped going for dance for 3 months, I started again, very very slowly. I knew things are off. In fact, all of my right side is off, but at least, I can walk, and can dance again.
I even joined Short+Sweet Dance KL 2015 with a new solo work, and the following year, did a production celebrating women in dance in She Moves Me, 2016 with Into The Wind and another new, contemporary Chinese fan dance, Flower. In spite of all these efforts to create, and my stint in the dance troupe, nothing seems to bring back the magic that helped me create the way I used to. I'm not quite satisfied with my performances myself as I know my technique is not at its optimal level.
Maybe it's ok...
Maybe not...
And my work seems to be a continuous uphill learning curve for me. Beside learning to coach and spot gymnastics skills, I also learned many administrative, sales and paperwork skills, and things escalated so quickly, I eventually became the manager. Although it was a good learning platform, lots of fun and cuteness with little children, and exciting skills, and the financial stability it offered, after 2 years, the stress started driving me down the pits of my mental
health and I urgently needed to see a counselor again. And I had to stop going for dance classes as my technique kept declining along with the condition of my body.
On the physical level, the impact of the work is very hard on my already twisted body. By then, I knew that if I want to be able to dance again, I have to leave this job and retrain myself. But I was reluctant to leave the stability and predictability of the job, the potential for growth and continuous development in this area.
Decisions...
Somewhere in my 3rd year, I took interest in a workshop by the Dance for Parkinsons program. The 3 day program reminded me how wonderful dance is. The teacher, a former professional company dancer herself, was so graceful, it made me miss my dancing body so much, and the lovely music that accompanies. It was such a stark contrast to my current work nature.
Finally, it came to a point where I had to decide between my life and the job. And the answer became obvious...
After I handed in my resignation, I followed my sister to a 2 day, yoga retreat conducted by her favourite teacher in her previous gym, Chris Su. I was previously resistant to yoga. On the hand, as a dancer, I did not have the patience to hold poses and such. I feel better to be constantly in motion and use dance-based conditioning to strengthen my body. On the other hand, while I am open to practices of stillness/mindfulness and meditation, the handful of yoga sessions that I have tried did not meet such expectations either, as it was too fast to maintain a meditative state.
Discovering yoga
But she insisted that this teacher is very good. Plus, it's a yin-yang yoga and meditation retreat. Sounds good, I thought. I'd do that. And she was right. I fell in love with Yin Yoga. The retreat was slow-paced and relaxing. Some became unexpectedly challenging, but not surprising, knowing the condition of my body. By then, my body was so hardened, that towards the end of the retreat, feeling them come loose, I cried in my reflective sharing, thanking the teacher for helping me unlock my body and feel less pain again.
During the retreat, he mentioned that "yoga is a lifestyle," that he lives the yoga life, and it is rewarding. Those words struck me.
I recalled how I used to live the dancer lifestyle. I was always aware, always taking care of my body, and also always mindful of my thoughts and actions. I knew I needed to make mindfulness my lifestyle again.
I started attending yoga classes at ML yoga, and the owner of the studio, Mei Yuen, also taught me CAT (Critical Alignment Therapy), a style of therapy yoga to help me with my back.
I soon learn about teacher Chris Su's Yin Yoga Teacher Training and did not hesitate to sign up for it. The 1 week intensive training was just as healing and satisfying, physically and intellectually. The environment created was filled with positive energy, and the knowledge given motivated me to want to teach this to more people.
I started teaching as replacement teacher in various studios. But even more so I started teaching private classes, which I enjoy immensely, as I was able to fully tune in to the clients' needs and design the sessions specifically to their needs. It helps them so much so quickly. And I added singing bowls into my practice, which they love, as it simply bring a sense of calmness and draws one into their meditative state.
The battle is not over
The journey of recovery for my body was not so simple. I started off with physiotherapy and visits to the orthopedic at KL General Hospital, taking some nerve vitamins and muscle creams, electro-stimulation therapy, some stretching and exercises. While I went for treatment while still working full time, the recovery was so slow and I could hardly rest before abusing my body again. It certainly gets better after I left the job. The treatment reduced the electric shock sensations, at least in intensity. But I know there is still much much more to deal with.
Later, I also started going for acupuncture at Tung Shin Hospital. All these gave me results. But not fully. I was discharged from KLGH. I did acupuncture for a year plus. By then, early 2017, I started to regain more and more sensation in the muscles in the right side of my body. The pain also continue to reduce. But the muscles are still hardened, hiding some pain in its deep folds.
Discovering Vipasanna
Coming back into freelance work for the second time, I was much more certain about what I'm doing, and how I want to do it. I'm less nervous, with some skills in my pocket, experiences under my belt and savings in my bank.
But it doesn't change the fact that it gets stressful at times. Being a freelancer is like running your own business. You have to stand in the storm on your own, make critical decisions, and simply make sure you earn enough to pay your bills and such. There will be good times, that gets tiring, or bad times, which is great time to rest, but where stress will also start eating into your consciousness.
I soon find it hard to continue healing my body with the tension in my mind, and started looking for a get away...
I started googling for 'meditation retreat', and found Vipassana Meditation. It is a 10 day (actually 12 days) course. A huge commitment and time away from my work, no contact, no phones, no talking. But I decided that it would be best to give myself this time to get away.
Learning backwards
I went for my first retreat in April 2018. At first, I thought I would have blended it perfectly with that setting. A state of meditation. But who would have thought... I was somewhat tense and mentally resistant. I had constant mental chatter, and it even made jokes to me the first afternoon in the main meditation hall. My limbs were clumsy during meal time, knocking things around, making noise.
I understand that it was the years of lack of mindfulness, the tension, and constant battle with my body. It took me until the 8th day, to realise, I wasn't quite into it. My body was still super tense. I was rushing through the whole meditation technique. As I find us approaching the end of the retreat, I thought to myself that I had to make something out of it. I started going back to the basics - of what I learned when I first started my dance class...
I started observing my hands, gently moving and releasing, working upward into my shoulders, neck, head. And then my toes, my feet, moving upwards into my hip. My breathing started slowing down, I started to remember vaguely, what it is like to be in meditation, well... just scratching the surface of it, but still, it's progress...
Finally, my back. I observe a huge chunk of hardened muscles. That night, I lie, just being aware of that chunk, and slowly releasing, reminding myself that much of the intense pain I used to experience is no longer there....
On the 10th day, when we get to talk, I spoke to a participant who drove us to the location. He shared how he too, had a hard time following through with the technique. And when discussing with the teacher, he was told to go back to basics.
"Start again, start again."
That mantra, that was repeated during the meditation instructions suddenly became more meaningful and important than I ever thought it would be. When all fails, don't be afraid to start from the first step again. I was relieved to hear that, as I needed it too. I started again too... from the beginning. So much relief, so much more relaxed, than trying to achieve something by trying too hard.
Start again...
By the end of the program, they showed us a video promoting "vipassana service", voluntering to cook and clean for participants, as a great way to continue the practice, paying it forward and gaining merits. I knew by then that I will have to do this.
By the end of the year, I had arranged to go once again, this time, as a server. While servers do work, we also get to meditate 3 times a day with the whole group. It was a great way to start again, refresh myself on the technique again carefully, this time, more calmly.
From this time's Vipassana, I was able to bring home more. In my subsequent classes, I was able to recall more and more what I was taught all these time, about the body, mindfulness/meditative state and emotional release.
The people I met in the server team were all wonderful people. And it made my stay there so enjoyable, warm, and meaningful. Among them is Pey Ling, who later went on and became my dance student.
Dance again...
Actually, towards the end of the year, my contemporary classes have stalled. Students simply weren't a match to my style, and I felt the need to grow away from my previous style of teaching too.
I the mean time, DCPA, the studio I was teaching at had a concert in December 5, 2018, and I choreographed a piece, Asmaradana, for the teachers. And I performed in 2 more. I was glad that my body is able to dance again. Not optimal, but definitely much better than how it was 2 years ago.
I decided that I will make dance my pet project, where I will not put pressure on myself to teach or choreograph in any way that I do not enjoy. And on top of that, I needed students who are open to explore inner work, personal development and really commit to improving themselves in order to improve their technique in dance.
And Pey Ling was the right candidate.
You may read about her experience in my class here in Mandarin.
As my body continued to improve with the help of yoga, meditation, and other self-healing techniques, I know that the next step to take is to go back to my dance teacher's class.
The spiritual journey - diving into darkness
Among all these things that happened, there was another layer to why things happened the way they did.
When I decided to take up my full time job, I made a decision to be more 'present' in the 'material world', so called more 'grounded'. My intuitive eye was shut off. The chatter of my imagination was shut. I treated my body like a machine.
I didn't realise how detrimental that decision was to my body and my creative mind was, until much later.
It was the reason why I wasn't able to heal and why I can no longer create. Why I no longer feel things when I listen to wonderful music.
At some point, I also started judging my own taste in music and choreography. I've gotten feedbacks that 'they were too dark'. So I made efforts to steer clear of 'darker' music and emotions.
As it turns out, that's where my creativity lies...
At the beginning of this journey, I suffered an energetic attack. I was overwhelmed by a dark energy that came out of the body of a friend, into mine. When I couldn't fight it off, I reacted with fear. With the help of a relative who became a spiritual medium, she locked down my spiritual field.
But realising the consequences of that lockdown, I had asked to be released.
This release also meant that I will deal with the darkness itself, and I shall no longer fear it.
I understood that much of the darkness hides many things that were actually my own... my memories, my pain - without which the dark energies wouldn't be able to attach themselves. Vipassana taught me to face it equanimously. With no judgement. And as I faced it fearlessly, it loses it power over me.
My twin flame journey too had contributed much to my overall growth as a person and spiritually, but that will not be discussed here.
With that, I dove more into this empty void that is the right side of my body. In it, seems to lie my creative world, that has a hint of darkness.
Alone In The Dark
To summarise it all, it definitely felt like I went through a dark tunnel of learning and self discovery. You can even consider this as a 'coming out' as a spiritual person.
With this, hopefully, I'm actually seeing a glimpse of becoming more whole again as a person, artist, and meditator.
I recently went back to dance class, feeling like I'm finally ready for the next step to return my body back to it's optimal, dancing level again. Those first few classes were awkward, I was so stiff. But with every session, I was lead to re-learn, re-condition and re-open my body to greater healing and greater performance again.
The journey will continue...
I also found the new style of music that she uses in class interesting. I went searching for such genres, while I also went around listening to my old favourite music, that used to stimulate my imagination.
As searched, I found this beautiful music, Alone In The Dark. It gives me a feeling of emerging from this lonely darkness, which hopefully is where I am at now. Plus it's electro-synth with a spirited, ethnic-tribal wailing voice, what's not to love...
And here it is, I share with you, Alone In The Dark, by Flaer Smin...
