As human beings, it is inevitable that we will encounter losses and pains, in one way or another...
And in it, we grief.
Yet, there are times when the pain or loss seems too great, too painful for us to deal with at any one time. So we put off dealing with this pain of loss. We put off grieving...
When we suffer a loss, it is natural that we go through the 5 steps of grieving:
Shock > Denial > Anger > Bargaining > Acceptance
I know that I, for one, is not someone who deals with grief and loss very well.
As a child, I remember feeling very intense emotions, very intense pain when dealing with minor separations and losses. It was so great, that I didn't know how to deal with them. Surely, it did not help for adults around me to just downplay my emotions...
"Oh, it's no big deal. Get over it..."
"Stop crying. Don't cry over such silly things..."
"Don't worry, we'll get another one in the future/we'll see them again next time..."
etc.
Surely, they meant well, but as a child, hearing these words, I can only assume that emotions are not normal or even not real, that I'm being ridiculous or weird for feeling the way I felt. So the only way is for me to do what seems to be the most practical thing to do - push it down and numb it out.
For a long time, that's all I did...and kept trying harder to do... numb it out, push it down, pretend that everything is ok...
But everything is not ok...
And sometimes, they spill out. Or someone perceptive would tell me - "it's all over your face..." Yet, I didn't know what to do with them. Try harder to hide?
It is only much much later, in my years of teaching dance, discovering my dancing body, going deep into meditation and trusting the voices within me, that it started to become obvious. All those pain that I thought I've pushed down or numbed out, were all still inside of me...hidden...
The pain manifests in tightness, and even injury. Sometimes they express themselves in sickness, or drama with people around me... but they all were there for a reason - I need to feel them...
Feel, process... in other words, go through the grieving process of it.
Over the years, one by one, things came out. Sometimes, they just rush past like a storm. Others, they come through one by one for me to contemplate and see clearly.
Either way, there is no escaping. It is only through acceptance, allowing...
Allowing myself to feel, to experience it in its full extend, and let it go, that I can fully heal from them...
As many are saying now, "you gotta feel it to heal it...".
I knew it all too well myself.
At this point of time, I am grieving a loss. I can feel there is so much grief in my body, I can't just force myself to dance and pretend to be upbeat, that everything is ok. But I slowly work through them.
Sometimes, I seem to be progressing, sometimes, I seem to be taking 3 steps back. While there is new grief, there are also lots of old, unaddressed grief, and all kinds of things I didn't know I would feel, but it's ok.
I trust the process, and I'll keep going, and healing.
And with each cycle, I feel lighter and brighter, more clearer and centred within myself.
After spending many years in dance, trying to find a way to teach mindful movements/authentic movements/movement meditation, I realised I had to put it aside, as most people who are looking to learn dance isn't looking for those things, but would rather prefer more lively, more technical, more showy styles of dance. In other words, it was learning dance for the external form - hardly anyone was looking to learn dance to go inwards.
So many years on, I stepped into yoga. And though - hey, now here's a bunch who is already learning to go inwards. They are learning yoga afterall - a spiritual practice, a mindful exercise.
So I thought, maybe I could bridge the gap a bring dance to the yoga audience instead.
It wasn't hard. I just needed to choreograph some nice flowing poses, throw in a little dancey pose here and there, and move to some nice flowing music.
Many enjoyed it, thought it was a good way to gear up their yoga practice, learn some new moves/poses, and sweat.
However, I started noticing a few things...
Firstly, like Vinyasa, because of the speed of moving from one pose to another, bad habits started forming - hunched shoulders, limbs are not fully extended, body not fully aligned. For advanced yoga practitioners, this issue may be minimal, but most are not, and I really do not want to reinforce these bad habits, if not eliminate them. But really knowing how correct alignments and extend limbs require more detailed work, with many pauses and paying close attention to little details. And then remembering to implement them during the flow.
Failing which, I risk injuring the students more. And injuries are hardly worth the risk of practicing any form of yoga.
That aside, I found that I wasn't exactly teaching mindfulness, much less mindful movements - which require some practice in meditation and slow, meditative movements.
I haven't found a solution to that. So I stopped teaching...
But soon, many more yoga dance classes started around my city. I don't know what happened there but I haven't heard much of it in recent years. Perhaps they too, bumped into the same dilemmas I did.
However, with the recent Embodiment movement, given a kick at last year's gigantic Embodiment Conference which brought together a multitude of expertise from dance, movement, therapy, medicine, psychology, from east, west and around the world, witnessing more diversions and bridgeing of yoga and mindful movement practices, I'm now confident that perhaps what I was envisioning was not totally off track, but rather needing some fine-tuning, development and learning from more experienced teachers and form those who did researches in various fields of expertise.
I'm also more inclined now to reach to an audience who are seeking for more - something beyond the commercial, the appearances - who want something deeper, a spiritual, insightful and healing experience towards dance/yoga.
And with that, I will continue my work, my search, to find that balance, between art, health, performance, fitness and healing.
Many times, we associate the word Ego as someone who is 'highly egoistical', someone who is usually quite arrogant and selfish, and sees themselves as superior to others.
But Ego means much more than that. Ego simply means the self. An outer layer of self that is presented to others, that is thought out and perceived by our conscious minds.
It refers to our association of who our 'self' is - our personality, race, religion, nationality, education, job scope, and the like - most of which are societal constructs and does not define who we truly are - consciousness.
From there, we define what we are and what we're not, who we are more willing to associate with, what we are more likely to do as a career, what hobbies we prefer, what rituals we perform, holidays we celebrate.
In some sense, it is not necessarily a bad thing as it adds colour and variety to life. After all, all colour mixed up simply becomes black, or ugly shades of brown. So there is value in keeping certain things separate at some point.
But what I'm about to talk about here is not about societal structure, but rather, the darker side of holding on to our ego/personalities - that is trauma.
As you can imagine ego limits us to a certain way of thinking and behaving. But not only that, it also locks us up into our own limiting storylines...
The healing process is strange in the way that it requires us to see things both ways.
First, we have to see and accept our shadow selves...
Then we have to let go and dis-identify with it.
For example, if you have depression, you first need to acknowledge it, ie:
- Yes, I feel depressed.
- I accept that I am experiencing depression.
- I will do what I can do treat myself better and get better, such as seeing a counselor, talking to loved ones, making lifestyle adjustments and removing elements that are contributing to my depression, taking a break and forgiving myself for not being able to perform and do things as I used to, and taking prescribed medications if necessary.
But to complete the road to recovery, one also need to dis-identify the self with depression. It requires one to change their inner dialogues to create deep and lasting change, ie:
- Depression is just a feeling that I have. (to replace "I am a depressed person")
- I don't have to do this if it is causing me so much pain.
- I don't have to force myself to be grateful if having this doesn't really make me happy.
These steps are also applicable to every aspect of healing, including trauma or chronic diseases:
- I accept that I have experienced this event
- I accept how that event made me feel at the time of occurrence, that I felt hurt, anger, hatred, shame, etc...
- I allow myself to fully experience those emotions as it is simply how I feel. I respect my feelings...
And then dis-identify
- I don't have to be that traumatised person. It is not who I am.
- I don't have to be who I am because of that event. I can always be who I wanted to be, regardless of what happened or didn't happen to me.
Because the truth is, we are the stories we tell ourselves. And we can be whoever we want to be, by cleaning up our hidden emotions, forgive and let go of what does not serve us, and retell our own story.
Very often, we tend to associate relaxation as a state of passivity, resting, and basically non-activity.
Not only is this untrue, it also encourages stressful, intense behavioural patterns.
There is such a thing as relaxed effort - an understanding of energy efficiency.
The use of 'swing'
Swinging is a common act in playground play. As children grow up, we graduate from being pushed on the swing to kicking the air by ourselves. Either way, there is a sensation of freedom and fun in the rise and fall, against or into gravity...
In swinging, we learn to orientate ourselves in the direction we want, we control the balance of weight and kicking on both sides of our body, lest we start to wiggle side to side(that is, if you are on the traditional metal chain swing).
We learn to control the amount of strength we use, and we find that as we swing more and more, we only need to add a little extra effort for it to go higher, and eventually, we need not apply any effort at all and it keeps swinging at a height and velocity that is enjoyable. We only add on a little gentle kick occasionally to sustain that height. Kick too hard, you might find that you start to swing outside of your comfort zone, and you might lose control and possibly even fall off the swing into a crash landing.
Some master dare devils might even demonstrate the ability to swing all the way up and make 360 degrees turns. But most of us simply enjoy the feeling of weightless, effortless movement, with the wind in our hair. It is truly a delight...
Aside from the standard seat swing, you might also find yourself swinging on other apparatus; perhaps the monkey bar, or the climber. Or perhaps you're just swinging your arms as you skip towards your friend on the other side.
On the field, as you get older, you might be practicing baseball, or tennis, badminton, golf, etc, where you find yourself practicing your swing. You lead with your arm, and the rest of the body follows.
Either way you do it, the one thing in common is that, you need to loosen up and let go when you go for a swing. If you hold on tight, you're merely lifting, not swinging.
You also lose the joy and the feeling of effortlessness...
Directional Swing
Yet, a careless swing with no obvious direction only leads to one looking like a deranged individual. On a seat swing, you'll be flinging yourself all over the place, possibly knocking into others who are seated beside you.
Swinging, effortlessness, relaxation, balanced with movement, creates a wonderful, enjoyable experience. But if done without direction, would throw you off in no time.
Swing in Dance
Swinging in dance is the same.
An effective swing in contemporary dance for example, is light, minimal effort, and directional.
Done right, it can help lift you to great heights, whether its your arms, your legs, or your whole body.
But wherever the movement is initiated, the whole body is involved in its lift. We orientate ourselves in the direction we
want, we control the amount of strength we use, and we find that as we
swing more and more, we only need to add a little extra effort for it to
go higher...
So, let's enjoy this video of the Rite of Spring, with lots of highly intense and complex movements, often propelled by the power of swing... (among others)...
So, looks like it's been years since I last posted on this blog.
Why? Because I simply lost the inspiration. Not just the inspiration to write, but the inspiration to create anything, to dance, even to live...
This past 5-6 years had been a whirlwind of ups and downs. Mostly downs, but I trust that they were for good reasons...
I went back to full time work, left again, struggled with my back pain/total half body pain and terrible ankle sprain, struggling to create dance again, learning about the material world, discovered my twin flame, discovered yoga, going back to my spiritual journey, starting again...
The first year in, 2013, while I try to continue teaching, creating and performing, I couldn't deny my creative block anymore, and I continued to be flooded with the pressure of needing to do more and better. This while I was struggling with the excruciating muscle and nerve pain in my back. I lost my inspiration..
Going back into full time work...
About a year in, I had a double-whammy ankle sprain. Twice, same leg. The first one was when I was still freelancing and part timing. I heard my ligament pop. I knew it's bad. I've twisted my ankle numerous times, but I've never had it so bad. I was out for about a week, but I went back into teaching too soon, too eager to earn my wage, didn't give it enough time to recover fully. I had an upcoming performance in about a week, more rehearsals with Qi Dancers (a Chinese dance troupe I was part of at that time, lead by Jack Kek). Only 2 days of rest, I gave myself. It was swollen inside for so many days as I worked hard, I was living hand to mouth. I was rehearsing, dancing on heels, on hard ground. To top it off, on the same day of the sprain, I have a computer CPU slide off a desk and nailed it's sharp edge onto my little toe. I knew it would have fractured it. I remember so well the pain I was in.
I also remembered the desperation that drove me to take up a full time job, as they needed people, and I need to feel 'taken care of', as a full time employee. I didn't want to have to treat myself that way again, without paid sick leave and all.
Unfortunately, just a few months in, I had a little incident at the trampoline. I was bounced unexpectedly, not a big deal supposedly, but my ankle was loose and it gave way, folding inwards. I knew it was terrible. I hear all the small ligaments tear. I cried, worrying if I'll even walk normally again, much less dance. I was out - couldn't was for a month, went on crutches. Fortunately, I get to witness the amazing power of the body, repairing itself and making do with such damages. Slowly, I was able to walk again, and although I stopped going for dance for 3 months, I started again, very very slowly. I knew things are off. In fact, all of my right side is off, but at least, I can walk, and can dance again.
I even joined Short+Sweet Dance KL 2015 with a new solo work, and the following year, did a production celebrating women in dance in She Moves Me, 2016 with Into The Wind and another new, contemporary Chinese fan dance, Flower. In spite of all these efforts to create, and my stint in the dance troupe, nothing seems to bring back the magic that helped me create the way I used to. I'm not quite satisfied with my performances myself as I know my technique is not at its optimal level.
Maybe it's ok...
Maybe not...
And my work seems to be a continuous uphill learning curve for me. Beside learning to coach and spot gymnastics skills, I also learned many administrative, sales and paperwork skills, and things escalated so quickly, I eventually became the manager. Although it was a good learning platform, lots of fun and cuteness with little children, and exciting skills, and the financial stability it offered, after 2 years, the stress started driving me down the pits of my mental
health and I urgently needed to see a counselor again. And I had to stop going for dance classes as my technique kept declining along with the condition of my body.
On the physical level, the impact of the work is very hard on my already twisted body. By then, I knew that if I want to be able to dance again, I have to leave this job and retrain myself. But I was reluctant to leave the stability and predictability of the job, the potential for growth and continuous development in this area.
Decisions...
Somewhere in my 3rd year, I took interest in a workshop by the Dance for Parkinsons program. The 3 day program reminded me how wonderful dance is. The teacher, a former professional company dancer herself, was so graceful, it made me miss my dancing body so much, and the lovely music that accompanies. It was such a stark contrast to my current work nature.
Finally, it came to a point where I had to decide between my life and the job. And the answer became obvious...
After I handed in my resignation, I followed my sister to a 2 day, yoga retreat conducted by her favourite teacher in her previous gym, Chris Su. I was previously resistant to yoga. On the hand, as a dancer, I did not have the patience to hold poses and such. I feel better to be constantly in motion and use dance-based conditioning to strengthen my body. On the other hand, while I am open to practices of stillness/mindfulness and meditation, the handful of yoga sessions that I have tried did not meet such expectations either, as it was too fast to maintain a meditative state.
Discovering yoga
But she insisted that this teacher is very good. Plus, it's a yin-yang yoga and meditation retreat. Sounds good, I thought. I'd do that. And she was right. I fell in love with Yin Yoga. The retreat was slow-paced and relaxing. Some became unexpectedly challenging, but not surprising, knowing the condition of my body. By then, my body was so hardened, that towards the end of the retreat, feeling them come loose, I cried in my reflective sharing, thanking the teacher for helping me unlock my body and feel less pain again.
During the retreat, he mentioned that "yoga is a lifestyle," that he lives the yoga life, and it is rewarding. Those words struck me.
I recalled how I used to live the dancer lifestyle. I was always aware, always taking care of my body, and also always mindful of my thoughts and actions. I knew I needed to make mindfulness my lifestyle again.
I started attending yoga classes at ML yoga, and the owner of the studio, Mei Yuen, also taught me CAT (Critical Alignment Therapy), a style of therapy yoga to help me with my back.
I soon learn about teacher Chris Su's Yin Yoga Teacher Training and did not hesitate to sign up for it. The 1 week intensive training was just as healing and satisfying, physically and intellectually. The environment created was filled with positive energy, and the knowledge given motivated me to want to teach this to more people.
I started teaching as replacement teacher in various studios. But even more so I started teaching private classes, which I enjoy immensely, as I was able to fully tune in to the clients' needs and design the sessions specifically to their needs. It helps them so much so quickly. And I added singing bowls into my practice, which they love, as it simply bring a sense of calmness and draws one into their meditative state.
The battle is not over
The journey of recovery for my body was not so simple. I started off with physiotherapy and visits to the orthopedic at KL General Hospital, taking some nerve vitamins and muscle creams, electro-stimulation therapy, some stretching and exercises. While I went for treatment while still working full time, the recovery was so slow and I could hardly rest before abusing my body again. It certainly gets better after I left the job. The treatment reduced the electric shock sensations, at least in intensity. But I know there is still much much more to deal with.
Later, I also started going for acupuncture at Tung Shin Hospital. All these gave me results. But not fully. I was discharged from KLGH. I did acupuncture for a year plus. By then, early 2017, I started to regain more and more sensation in the muscles in the right side of my body. The pain also continue to reduce. But the muscles are still hardened, hiding some pain in its deep folds.
Discovering Vipasanna
Coming back into freelance work for the second time, I was much more certain about what I'm doing, and how I want to do it. I'm less nervous, with some skills in my pocket, experiences under my belt and savings in my bank.
But it doesn't change the fact that it gets stressful at times. Being a freelancer is like running your own business. You have to stand in the storm on your own, make critical decisions, and simply make sure you earn enough to pay your bills and such. There will be good times, that gets tiring, or bad times, which is great time to rest, but where stress will also start eating into your consciousness.
I soon find it hard to continue healing my body with the tension in my mind, and started looking for a get away...
I started googling for 'meditation retreat', and found Vipassana Meditation. It is a 10 day (actually 12 days) course. A huge commitment and time away from my work, no contact, no phones, no talking. But I decided that it would be best to give myself this time to get away.
Learning backwards
I went for my first retreat in April 2018. At first, I thought I would have blended it perfectly with that setting. A state of meditation. But who would have thought... I was somewhat tense and mentally resistant. I had constant mental chatter, and it even made jokes to me the first afternoon in the main meditation hall. My limbs were clumsy during meal time, knocking things around, making noise.
I understand that it was the years of lack of mindfulness, the tension, and constant battle with my body. It took me until the 8th day, to realise, I wasn't quite into it. My body was still super tense. I was rushing through the whole meditation technique. As I find us approaching the end of the retreat, I thought to myself that I had to make something out of it. I started going back to the basics - of what I learned when I first started my dance class...
I started observing my hands, gently moving and releasing, working upward into my shoulders, neck, head. And then my toes, my feet, moving upwards into my hip. My breathing started slowing down, I started to remember vaguely, what it is like to be in meditation, well... just scratching the surface of it, but still, it's progress...
Finally, my back. I observe a huge chunk of hardened muscles. That night, I lie, just being aware of that chunk, and slowly releasing, reminding myself that much of the intense pain I used to experience is no longer there....
On the 10th day, when we get to talk, I spoke to a participant who drove us to the location. He shared how he too, had a hard time following through with the technique. And when discussing with the teacher, he was told to go back to basics.
"Start again, start again."
That mantra, that was repeated during the meditation instructions suddenly became more meaningful and important than I ever thought it would be. When all fails, don't be afraid to start from the first step again. I was relieved to hear that, as I needed it too. I started again too... from the beginning. So much relief, so much more relaxed, than trying to achieve something by trying too hard.
Start again...
By the end of the program, they showed us a video promoting "vipassana service", voluntering to cook and clean for participants, as a great way to continue the practice, paying it forward and gaining merits. I knew by then that I will have to do this.
By the end of the year, I had arranged to go once again, this time, as a server. While servers do work, we also get to meditate 3 times a day with the whole group. It was a great way to start again, refresh myself on the technique again carefully, this time, more calmly.
From this time's Vipassana, I was able to bring home more. In my subsequent classes, I was able to recall more and more what I was taught all these time, about the body, mindfulness/meditative state and emotional release.
The people I met in the server team were all wonderful people. And it made my stay there so enjoyable, warm, and meaningful. Among them is Pey Ling, who later went on and became my dance student.
Dance again...
Actually, towards the end of the year, my contemporary classes have stalled. Students simply weren't a match to my style, and I felt the need to grow away from my previous style of teaching too.
I the mean time, DCPA, the studio I was teaching at had a concert in December 5, 2018, and I choreographed a piece, Asmaradana, for the teachers. And I performed in 2 more. I was glad that my body is able to dance again. Not optimal, but definitely much better than how it was 2 years ago.
I decided that I will make dance my pet project, where I will not put pressure on myself to teach or choreograph in any way that I do not enjoy. And on top of that, I needed students who are open to explore inner work, personal development and really commit to improving themselves in order to improve their technique in dance.
And Pey Ling was the right candidate.
You may read about her experience in my class here in Mandarin.
As my body continued to improve with the help of yoga, meditation, and other self-healing techniques, I know that the next step to take is to go back to my dance teacher's class.
The spiritual journey - diving into darkness
Among all these things that happened, there was another layer to why things happened the way they did.
When I decided to take up my full time job, I made a decision to be more 'present' in the 'material world', so called more 'grounded'. My intuitive eye was shut off. The chatter of my imagination was shut. I treated my body like a machine.
I didn't realise how detrimental that decision was to my body and my creative mind was, until much later.
It was the reason why I wasn't able to heal and why I can no longer create. Why I no longer feel things when I listen to wonderful music.
At some point, I also started judging my own taste in music and choreography. I've gotten feedbacks that 'they were too dark'. So I made efforts to steer clear of 'darker' music and emotions.
As it turns out, that's where my creativity lies...
At the beginning of this journey, I suffered an energetic attack. I was overwhelmed by a dark energy that came out of the body of a friend, into mine. When I couldn't fight it off, I reacted with fear. With the help of a relative who became a spiritual medium, she locked down my spiritual field.
But realising the consequences of that lockdown, I had asked to be released.
This release also meant that I will deal with the darkness itself, and I shall no longer fear it.
I understood that much of the darkness hides many things that were actually my own... my memories, my pain - without which the dark energies wouldn't be able to attach themselves. Vipassana taught me to face it equanimously. With no judgement. And as I faced it fearlessly, it loses it power over me.
My twin flame journey too had contributed much to my overall growth as a person and spiritually, but that will not be discussed here.
With that, I dove more into this empty void that is the right side of my body. In it, seems to lie my creative world, that has a hint of darkness.
Alone In The Dark
To summarise it all, it definitely felt like I went through a dark tunnel of learning and self discovery. You can even consider this as a 'coming out' as a spiritual person.
With this, hopefully, I'm actually seeing a glimpse of becoming more whole again as a person, artist, and meditator.
I recently went back to dance class, feeling like I'm finally ready for the next step to return my body back to it's optimal, dancing level again. Those first few classes were awkward, I was so stiff. But with every session, I was lead to re-learn, re-condition and re-open my body to greater healing and greater performance again.
The journey will continue...
I also found the new style of music that she uses in class interesting. I went searching for such genres, while I also went around listening to my old favourite music, that used to stimulate my imagination.
As searched, I found this beautiful music, Alone In The Dark. It gives me a feeling of emerging from this lonely darkness, which hopefully is where I am at now. Plus it's electro-synth with a spirited, ethnic-tribal wailing voice, what's not to love...
And here it is, I share with you, Alone In The Dark, by Flaer Smin...
I do what I do, simply because I have a dream. Sometimes I forget, but I want to remember, and I want to share it with people, with people who may be dreaming the same dream as I do...
I dream of making this world a better place, where people live in peace and love one another.
Where people are not so rushed or hurried to pursue the riches in life, but take their time and feel one another, and feel the world, feel their existence in the world.
I live, in a slower pace than most people around me. Perhaps I could slow down the hurried, the overly rushed, and make them feel and think, and enjoy their presence, here in the world... just like how nature, moves slowly, but surely.
I dream that we would be kind to one another, that we would make decisions that considers the best interests of one another, that understand its effects and consequences to one another, that we do not simply take from others, what is not ours.
I dream that we could live in harmony with nature, that we learn to realise that it is nature that offers us the greatest abundance, enough for all of us to share, that there is no need to fight or to steal or to compete.
That our need for abundance does not need to be in conflict with the very nature of the universe, of our existence...
About 2 years ago, I had a major breakthrough in my work with my body. I was finally able to understand how it feels to be truly aligned and released.
However, I was working in a static state, not dynamic - as in standing still vs. movements. The wonderful alignment cannot be sustained as I have yet to develop the necessary muscles to uphold that posture. To do so would take constant work of daily alignment and exercise. In addition to that, I have discovered some dormant muscle injury that was the result of an electro-acupuncture session gone wrong. It was an extremely challenging phase, not only physically, but also emotionally. Soon I slowly let it go, the old habits took over again and I lost that wonderful feeling.
2 years on, I find myself stuck at my performance level, and that there is no way to move forward other than to deal with my alignment again. This time, with a more prepared and positive mind set, and I opt to work more dynamically.
You see, the benefits of working dynamically (with movement) is that you are constantly building muscle and conditioning your movement habits as you work - rather than just "stacking" your joints and expect them to stay there.
So last week, during my dance sessions, as I was working on my body, I discovered 2 habits that was holding me back.
1. There is a sensation of pulling back/clawing down along my middle-lower back muscles.
My teacher commented about my habit of contracting that part of my back to develop an arch and to extend my legs backwards. Now I suddenly realised how dominant that sensation was in my overall body posture.
2. As I work to release that sensation, I found another, even more influential force that is holding me down - there is a pressure over the top of my head that is pressing me down.
Well, technically, it was me, putting that pressure on myself. But it did felt like an invisible hand pushing down on me. It's still me.
So what I did was, I mentally "opened up" this pressure over the top of my head, like opening a box and letting the sensation out.
The mantra I gave to myself was to "believe in the higher power," that is to trust the natural forces to hold up my body, instead of me trying do push myself up.
The counter force to that is also the ground. Dynamically speaking, the more force going downwards, the more counter force there is going upwards, which is how an extended, lengthened body comes about.
So the second mantra was to "believe in the ground I am stepping on." It is the sensation of developing trust, that all is fine.
This sensation extends the highly contracted muscles in my legs, especially my quadriceps and calves.
It is a wonderful load of pressure released from my body from these 2 exercises.
I hope that my sharing of my experiences can benefit your practices as well.
Until next time, warm regards...
Monday, May 6, 2013
"(Dancing is) constantly doing a lot of active stretches."
- Mew Chang Tsing
Are you able to close your eyes and "see" your body? What do you see?
Do you see colours? Do you see mass and hollow? Or do you sense it in another way? Ie: Sounds and feelings?
Seeing the body is the process of bodily awareness - to be aware of which part of your body or rather muscles is active, which part is passive.
Activity is when a muscle participates in a supporting function in your posture or movement, either mildly or in extreme. It may be extended, or contracted.
Generally, the bodily muscles work together to move, even in a small movement, like lifting a glass of water, as one change in a muscle, creates responses in various adjoining muscles, and all our muscles are intertwined, connected, working as a whole system. Technically, any effort to stop certain parts of the muscles from responding develops into unnatural movements, which inevitably develop tension in another part which is overworked.
When one portion of muscle is overworked, there will certainly be parts of the body muscles which are underworked - passive.
These passive muscles are unhealthy, as habits causing its lack of use will certainly lead to decline of its strength, leading to atrophy, and of course postural changes.
This imbalance may start in one way or the other - either a person had developed the habit of tensing up certain muscles, or the habit of letting certain parts of the body drop when doing an activity.
Movements require full enthusiasm and commitment
It's like, "why do we need to be happy?" As in, we choose to be happy in whatever we do. Because we have to live whether we are happy or not, and we may have to do things we wish we didn't have to, so why not do it well, and do it happily in a relaxed and positive manner?
Movements are the same. We can move like we are forced to, like we don't really care about it, or we can move like we really mean to, using the whole body, the whole set of muscles involved.
Compare doing something alone to involving everyone around you.
Everything, including your back, your head, and your bottom, even your legs and your feet moves along, but in a somewhat relaxed, yet directed manner.
So, what do you do, if the body is not wholly involved?
It could mean having to let go of tense muscles. It could mean picking up slacking muscles.
But another way, is also to sense the whole body. To see it moving as a whole. To see it all lit up inside, or to feel that the energy is through.
This imagery is not just limited to the anatomical body. As you learn to be conscious of the insides of the body, also be aware of what's outside. As we move, our energy fills the space around us. To be able to fully fill up this space, your body would have already been balanced.
Exercises to do this
There can be guided or standard exercises to achieve full balance of the body. Practices of Qigong and Taichi was developed in the way that helps a practitioner develop this flow in the body and outside.
However, a generally good mover have good balance and awareness of the body and its surrounding space as a whole.
In an active warm up, where you move in your stretching instead of doing static stretching, your aim to find these areas of imbalance, stuck energy and other tension in the body, and let them through.
Which is why, active stretching with body awareness is more ideal compared to standard warm ups as our bodies are different from one another and from one day to another. To do so, it involves the coordination between mind and body.
To respond to these differences are only wise, if one is to perform well.
There are many ways of creating dance - or rather "there are many
sources of inspiration" for creating dance. Some create based on a
storyline, a character, an image, an emotion, a life event, a music,
etc..
I personally love creating dance based on music. Music moves me, like perhaps you have seen how Gangnam Style move this baby.
I am one of those very kineasthetically
responsive individuals, and was particularly reactive to pulsating pop
beats when I was in my childhood all the way through my teens and early
20's, with pop being a huge influence in my interest in dance as
mentioned here. Of course I'm not about to burst into a Gangnam "horse ride" the moment I hear the song now, but you get the idea.
Then
as I mature, I find myself responding more towards subtle, meditative
tones of Asian classical music, or strong orchestral harmonies,
including western classical, new age and contemporary genres - such as
the soundtracks of Hans Zimmer.
Music
gives me vision. I see movement, feel movement, and I am driven to
move. Music sometimes drowns me. I can become drunk in music, even when
I'm not drinking. Itut is where my most passionate pieces come from.
However,
there are school of thoughts who decides that dance should be
independent of music. On a moderate scale, it should be telling a story
beyond what the music is telling - which has a good point. But on an
extreme level, choreographers are purposefully using music or sound just
as a backdrop or "noise," and having the dancers dance in a way that
completely ignores the rhythms and flow of the music.
Some dances are performed in silence.
I haven't done the extremes yet. For now, I am still very much attached to my music... like a lover...
Moving to sound
Inmy practice of dance and improvisation, I have found spaces where certain movements and exact matches for certain sounds and certain notes, where our body acts like an instrument, like a recorder with its holes along our torso, or a drum set, with sounds at different spaces.
It may take a more auditory person to be able to "hear" sounds in their body, just as it may take a more visual person to "see" movements in space.
"Seeing" movement
In most of my dance teaching, it is very common for me to give instructions to my students, such as in children's creative dance and improvisation classes to "paint in the sky." This is where you imagine that your hands become paint brushes, and that your sweeping movements create colours where the air is your canvas. You can really have lots of fun, "painting" the world around you with the sweep or your hands, your feet, and other body parts. It is usually important to "see" where your movement is coming from and where its going, partly also to be able to decide on the aesthetic result you are trying to achieve and to fill in the space with the presence of your movements.
The non-visual dancer
However, during my course of teaching, I had encountered one student who was particularly gifted in his hearing. He is a natural musician and composer.He can play any instrument he tries, and any tune he hears in his head - or at least that is what I have observed. However, he was struggling in my class, which was unfortuantely compulsary for him to complete as a part of his IB MYP program.
After struggling for some time, I finally had a chance to work with him personally.
I figured that since he can't "see" movements, perhaps he can "hear" them.
I began working by opening up his body through the sound of my voice, moving through different notes to stimulate different joints in his body.
It immediately worked! His hardened, skinny body suddenly is able to start moving fluidly, and he suddenly understood improvisation in a way he never had before!
Finally, he was able to create a solo piece to submit as a final work to complete his program. It was not perfect, but it was good progress.
And I finally understood now, that some people cannot "see" movements, but perhaps, they can "hear" movement.
If you are a teacher, what difficulty have you encountered with students learning dance?
How do you overcome them?
"Everything has vibrations," as physicists, people who dabble in energy works, law of attraction and the likes would tell you.
Sounds are made of vibrations. We all know that. But movements too has vibrations. You and me, as human beings, too, has vibrations.
Vibrations are emissions of energy. We are an energy conductor. Energy flows through us, and into other things, through our actions, our thoughts, our words, into the things we create, and it is passed along as we go.
In Chinese philosophy, we call this chi or qi. In Hindu philosophy, it is Prāṇa. Both come to mean life force or vital energy.
And in our bodies, there are centres or magnetic fields which are said to generate, conduct or store this energy. The dantian in Chinese, and chakra in Sanskrit. These are a series of vital points in our body which corresponds with vital organs. The specific understanding of these points, and its number may vary between teachings, but generally, these series of points runs across the centre of the human torso, from the base all the way up to the head.
Imbalance, stagnation or blockage in these centres are said to cause symptoms of physical ailments and certain behavioural problems.
For example, a blockage in the 3rd Chakra may defined by physical symptoms of indigestion. Emotionally, it may be expressed in the form of anxiety and extreme introversion. Mentally, this person may feel very disempowered and fearful in his or her life.
It's just a Chicken & Egg story
For some, the study of these metaphysical philosophies seem like superstition or beyond logic. After all, not everyone can claim that they can see auras or other people's energy fields.
However, these are just another branch of study that helps us understand and assess the human condition as a whole. Unlike western medicinal principals which only focuses on the anatomy, eastern philosophies acknowledge the correlation between the mind, body, emotion and spirit as being inseparable. It is a definition of our whole being, and a shift in one aspect, will inevitably effect all others.
Take the 3rd chakra as an example again. A weakness in this area can also be seen posturally, in a collapsed abdomen, weak core muscles - or can even be simply defined as a hunch or a slouch. In movement, he or she may find difficulty in opening up the abdomens, such as in a back arch.
The Correlations
There is a direct relationship to how the various aspects of ourselves affect one another. For example, an external event may had happened to trigger one person, a person A to experience anxiety and panic attacks. With that this person is constantly fearful and loses confidence in himself. This lack of confidence manifests itself into his posture, causing him to slouch. The emotional turmoil will also develop as digestion problems and breathlessness. The bad posture and digestion problem will eventually create a downward spiral in his overall health and well-being, and this will eventually be obvious in his overall (lack of) glow or aura. His new postural position too, is already causing (and is also the result of) the collapse in his internal organs, which will in turn develop tense muscles in his neck, shoulders and lowerback, while giving him a larger lower belly. And a weakened life force in turn creates more havoc in our overall system. The longer he stay that way, the more hard-wired his system is to this setting, and the more solidly it manifests itself. After some time, you can't really tell anymore, which problem is causing what.
When met with doctors or healers, he will be given a different description of the diagnosis.
Anxiety. Indigestion. Blockage. Bad posture.
Tackling all
It may sound like a bad news that one thing can effect so many aspects of us.
But it is also a good news! Because, it is possible that changing one part of ourselves can positively effect another.
For example, awareness and practice in good posture will relief the energy blockage in that area. Not only that, a change in posture also automatically sends a different message to our minds, forcing us to be more positive and optimistic about life. A good energy healing session leaves us feeling invigorated and healthy again. A good counselling or coaching session may help us overcome a traumatic event. Medication and exercise may leave us healthier and therefore more positive about life again.
However, as I mentioned above, some situations start to get pretty sticky, when other symptoms have become pretty stubborn over time.
And the best way, ofcourse, is to be able to address as many of these aspects as possible to enable rapid recovery and growth. It is the reason why, doctors have now found that medication, coupled with counselling and spiritual support is so much more effective compared to just simply using medication.
What method of healing
I would not claim to be in the position to prescribe any specific form of healing that is best for you and your problems. But I do wish to share the understanding of the self - mind, body, emotion, spirit. And I would emphasize that when there is one aspect of you that you seem to have been struggling with for a long time, and not able to overcome, look at the other aspects of yourself. Perhaps the answer is there. You may have a problem with your body. But look at your relationships, your lifestyle. Or do you have faith? If your mental state is terrible, look at your posture, how are you using your body?
Be aware and find clues and answer in places you may not even have thought of. But don't dabble too much into the spirit. It's a whole other world. We are physical beings after all. Our spirit is perfect. It just seem like it is not because of the other 3 aspects of ourselves.
Health, wellness and happiness is holistic. One aspect cannot be well independent of another.
We probably all know a little about body language. Different postures express different emotions. We use body language to communicate different thoughts. It does so itself even when we are not realising or controlling what we do with out bodies.
Dancing is about using the body to communicate thoughts and emotions. The process of dance creation or improvisation uncovers the language that is already IN the body, without us thinking too much about it consciously.
Yes, the language is IN the body.
It means that our body stores emotions and memories inside of it, and express it in a certain way in our movements. Like, when a depressed person is hunched, a stressed person's body is tense, even when he's walking, talking, or drinking a cup of coffee.
Sometimes, it is not even about an emotion that is present. It could be from the past - a physical injury, a grievous loss or hurtful actions or words from another person.
All our experiences, as you know, is recorded by our subconscious, and our subconscious memories has physical locations within our body. (There was a book written on it that I just found out about.)
So working on our body, I find, is not as effective as working on my mind.
Yes, our body can learn new movement habits that when developed over the course of 30-60 days, will become automatic. It is important to start with practicing good movement habits through repetitive conditioning. However, there are times when the body seems very stubborn or is fighting against this conditioning. This is where some inner work needs to be done.
When there is a stubbornly bad posture, stubbornly tense muscle, or even dorman muscles, it is very likely that the body is holding in a memory or emotion that is getting in the way of release. Although habits can be trained, I believe that in these cases, overriding it with new habits simply hide its real issue, pushing it further back into the subconscious, where it will manifest itself in some other unhealthy ways.
To address these issues, the first think one can do is to identify the specific muscle group and emotion that is related to this movement habit.
Muscle/emotion/memory
Identifying either one will work as a starting point. The key is to be as specific as possible, and I feel it is best to be confrontational with yourself. To be honest about the real emotion or memory that is hiding inside.
Once you are able to identify either one of these 3 aspects, you can hold it in your mind, and then release it, and go back to replacing it with a new conditioning.
The challenge
The challenge is usually to find out the accurate source of the stuckness. With that, I use clues such as emotional keywords, organ that this certain body part is related to, meaning of chakra - all these are fairly related.
I will be exploring further in this topic in future articles, about identifying stuck muscle groups and releasing them.
Now, I'm not much of a producer. At most, I can plan, choreograph,
direct, teach, polish, basically putting up everything from scratch -
student up.
My job, as a teacher, is to take a newbie,
who is passionate and has some talent, and bring him/her up to a
performance level within my choreography, or beyond.
Constraints
are actually fun to work with - What I am asked to do, what limitations
we have, what requirements to meet - with that, I work out something
that is good for all, and makes everyone happy. Like give me a theme,
give me a number of people to work with, give me the things you would
like to have in, even throw in a few music you would like to see danced
to (no, don't do that, let me sleep over that one) - and I'll whip
something out for you.
I've been brewing this idea in
my mind for a long time, to choreograph a collection of dances that
revolves around natural elements, or better still, a full length storyline. After all, it has been my inspiration,
and a running theme in may of my works thus far.
So
yea, my heart is eager to create something beautiful, something that
reminds people of the wonders and serenity of nature, to continue to
cherish it, because there is so much magic around us.
So,
tell me. I want to work with you. I want to work with your students. I
want to fit your requirements. Just throw them to me. I want to see what
I can do. Ok?
Inspired by my trip to Greece, with the wonderful winds of Meltemi in the summer, I hear the voices of a beautiful song in my head, and with that, I was inspired to just fly, with the winds, in my very special piece. Coming out in May.
2. This would be a specially commisioned piece for my dear friend Pearly, an avant-garde a fashion designer, showing off her piece at her exhibition event at Minut Init.
Apart from that, I am also planning on a production, with nature themed choreography, possibly reworking some old works as well as adding in new ones. It would be made up of contemporary dance and improvisational pieces.
I love, love love, to choreograph for people, and I wish for it to be something that can help me nurture and inspire dancers in the process, for it to open up opportunities to all sorts of dancers, including amateurs, late beginners/intermediate dancers to perform. If things work out smoothly, it will happen at the end of the year.
I will start conducting auditions once more things are confirmed. Until then, if you are highly enthusiastic to participate, stay tuned by emailing movenphil@gmail.com or like my facebook page.
Until next time, love.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
We are not aware of how much damage we can do to others, until we realise how much damage others have done to us.
Similarly, there are people who can heal us so deeply, which shows how much we can help others heal too...
