Reflecting on Short+Sweet Dance - Her Story: A Conversation

The strenuous week has ended, all the practices, rehearsals and preperations are finally over, and the bitter sweet after-taste of having done something together with this group of people. We don't know yet who will be able to make it to the Gala Night, but I am finally able to find the time to reflect on this wonderful journey of delivering my dance in Short+Sweet, entitled Her Story: A Conversation.



Why...

My first intention of joining this friendly competition was to showcase my work to a wider audience, experiement with a blend of styles from different people, forcing myself to come out with a work which includes myself and other people, and hopefully gain some experience into becoming a better dancer, a better choreographer, a better person.

Why Her Story: A Conversation?

Well, it all started off with an idea to create a dance for myself, and 2 other friends of mine, each from a different dance background, with the intention of telling our own story, in our own unique way.

It was meant to be an experimentation of sorts, blending with the different unique styles of each individual, playing with group dynamics.

Me and my dear friend, we had good chemistry dancing together, and having done so for more than a year, I would really love to put out something I can craft especially for us. But unfortunately, an unexpected turn of events have forced us to part ways. I really missed those times, but perhaps it was just not meant to be. Soon, my other friend decided to withdraw herself as well, and I was left with well... myself. What story am I going to tell?

So fate has brought me together with 3 new dancers, which I got to know from the open audition. All from different backgrounds, one which has little dance training, all have no experience in contemporary dance or improvisation - the style in which I intend to work with. Nevertheless, I decided to go ahead with the idea, attempt to learn more about these people and of their style of dance, to see what I can come out with.

And so, It began with a conversation...

Her Story... because it's a girly thing, talking about what its like to be us, sharing our story.

A Conversation... because everyone has different opinions in life, and different ways of presenting their thoughts and feelings. How would these different dynamics interact with each other?


The process...

What story am I going to tell, what outcome was it going to be, I did not know.
From our first practice together, I have experimented with different improvisation exercises to bring out each dancer's unique language, their movement vocabulary, and also the characters that they embody within them. I believe that movements should be authentic. That dance should not be mere steps to memorise, but more of a communication of our emotions and thoughts inside.

Drawing experiences from my own training in contemporary dance and improvisation, plus the workshops I have attended in creative movements and in butoh, along with my appreciation for different types of music and movements, I worked with the layers of storyline and characterisations, drawing from my own experiences and my life story - a story which continues to unfold itself towards the end of this journey.


Pushing the limits...

It was a pleasant start at the begining of our practices as I was having end of academic year break at my school, so I had plenty of time to think things through, to work out my choreography and music choice as I recover from the school's arduous year-end concert. In between that, I was just keeping myself busy with other activities and plans, aside from my weekly contemporary class, and actually managed to spend alot of time doing tango. We were having rehearsals twice a week, one on a weekday and the other on a Sunday, which we are fortunately able to put together despite the busy schedules of my fellow dancers.

But it all starts to get a little overwhelming when school began in September. After having rested for a whole month, my body is not quite used to the strain of dancing all day, all week. It was physically exhausting, but I still manage to cope, along with Tuesday tangos and practicas, Friday milongas, and contemporary class on Thursdays. I also had additional CCA to teach now. Kept myself really busy for the whole month, trying my best to stay strong. The deadline is approaching, but it feels like I'm yet to be ready.

It took me a while to decide on and finalise the song choice. Over the last 2 weeks of practice, I find myself spending extra time to work one on one with my dancers and adjusting certain parts to suit my dancers better as I learn more about them. Desperately needed more sleep. No time for tango now.

On my side, I was also doing alot of reading and soul-searching, for various reasons, but it all adds up to the equation.

28 September 2011 was an amazing day, body wise. It was the day I had discovered certain muscles that helps with my posture, and almost like magic, I have realigned my hip joint-pelvis-lower abdomen. It was an experience of joy, having found the right alignment for my body, and especially around this area which has hindered with my dancing in many ways. I wasn't sure it was going to last. My teacher said I should continue practicing. It was a Wednesday, one week left to our show. I was delighted at how my body moved differently with this new-found posture, which comes with a new feeling of control and freedom. My limbs moved with ease, I feel so large like I own the world. But then again, on the following Monday, I woke up in horror to find that my hips dropping back to where it was before. I spend the rest of the day trying to realign it back again. I'm not sure if it is the same as how it was on Wednesday, but I guess I understood what it means by having to continue practicing. The muscles are not strong yet, and probably gaining a few extra pounds from the heavy meals over the weekend doesn't help. Fortunately, I am able to get it back up, and I can go back to practicing my usual stuff again.

Mentally, I am starting to feel lethargic with all the things I need to work on, including the maddening task of getting the costumes done. With the shopping, finding tailors, figuring out how to make the design work, I ended up with no choice by to do it myself, a la Project Runway, and 4 pieces at that! Thank alot to my Mei Sin and my mom who helped with the sewing, but I swear to never to this again. At least not 4 of them. By Monday, I managed to get most of the sewing done except for 1 little part. Myself and 2 of my dancers worked together to stick sequins on them, hopefully to glam it up for the stage.

So, when the mind is tired, emotions starts to crumble too. I was begining to feel inferior and uncertain as the dates draw closer. I was afraid that I've done would not be good enough. As much as my friends and family give their support and encourage me, it couldn't help when my self-esteem hits rock bottom after our tech rehearsal on Monday. I wish I could just dig a hole in the ground and disappear into it...

By Tuesday, I decided that I couldn't go on like this anymore... that if not for the fact that I've spent too much effort into the costumes and having other dancers to be answerable to, I would be tempted to withdraw in the last minute. I gave a call to my coach, hopefully she would be able to help with this emergency. One thing she said that finally managed to put my mind back into place was that I should be focusing on me, my music and my dance...

Just me, my music and my dance...

This phrase saved my life. I can be no further from the truth, that my dance should be just that - me, my music, and my dance. That all this panicking was the result of focusing too much on the competition, what would the judges think, what would the audiences think... forgetting that, when I am able to put all of myself out there, I would have done my best, just like how I have did before. That I have done this before, I have moved my audiences before, and I am going to do it again, with my dance now. One of my dancers did mention too, that it would be too late to change anything now, for what we put on stage, would be what we remembered from what we have practiced for so long. And that the dance should be danced just the way it was meant to be danced. No fancy moves just for the sake of fancy moves and what not.

And so, Tuesday night rehearsal, I bring myself back up, believe in what I am here to do, on our dress rehearsal day.


Showtime...

The first day started off okay, my energy was there, though with parts I think I could do better. I felt more sure of myself on the day before, but it was all good, cos of the support by beloved friends. They even bought me a bouquet of flowers to show how much they love me. Ofcourse, they made me feel like a star already! It would have been fun to go off and party with them after the show is over, but we still have 3 more night to go, and I have to salvage what little sleep time I have left. But it was tonnes of pressure lifted off my shoulder.

This routine proved to be strenuous as lethargy sets in on day 2, and by day 3, I was drawing from what little inch of energy I have left in my body and mind. Supporters continue to pour in, though in smaller droves compared to the first night. We know you guys love us no matter what, and we love you too, bu I can't wait for the Friday night to sleep through and recharge my mind and my body and prepare for the Saturday.

Saturday would've been THE day, with tickets being sold out, and the attendance of my family, colleague, students, fellow dance mate, and as I later discovered - an unexpected ex-student who came just to see me! I have tried to prepare myself and my dancers in many ways over the past couple of days, hoping to be able bring up the energy as a group. But I felt like my dancing has become stale. Its meaning, shallowed, and my sensitivity to the music subdued. The dance has lost its life... So tonight, I feel that I have to do my dance justice by telling its story, from deep down my heart - the same way I have done before in the past, but have not yet done in this competition. I began to listen to music usually moves me from deep down. I let my heart guide me as to what music to choose, and I let my movements flow with it when I was warming up. By the time I get to the core of it, I began so sob uncontrollably. Perhaps, there is still the pain unsettled that is to be told in my story... so much for the joy I thought I have found, I fell back to where I was still missing out on, because it is where I really am right now. But I loved how my body was working. It flows freely with the music, it was balanced, it was strong. I stand tall. And when your grand battements are effortless, you know you're doing it right.

With this, I brought my pain, my longing, my passion and hopes for the future, right onto the stage, and gave a new meaning to my movements again. So much for being syok sendiri, dancing in a way my dancers have not seen me danced before, I knew I have given my all, done all I could, and I have no more fear or regrets by the time this is over.


Fulfilling my objective...

I have done my best, though it may not be the best of my best...

I managed to present my work and my dance to a whole new group of audience... which was my original intention.

I took a risk by doing this experiment, applying the things I have learned, working with a whole new group of people, who are very different from me, with pleasant results... so I'm happy about it...

I have learned a whole lot of stuffs, working with people, working on things, technical, artistic, what a choreographer must do to fulfill a task...

I have pushed my body to a limit I have not seen since my short course at Aswara beginning of this year.

I have pushed my time, my energy, my mind, my emotions... hopefully to new levels of strengths and endurance.

And finally, I have relearned about myself, of what I can or cannot do, of how my dance should be.


Despite the many times I asked myself... "What have I gotten myself into?" I'm glad I managed to push through. I got what I've bargained for, perhaps a little more. Who knows what the future lies... but for now, I'd just love to incubate for awhile, let it all settle in, before I can squeeze for my creative juices again. And for all participants for Week 2, I wish you all the best too.


(Thanks and much love to my dear sister for helping put this wonderful synopsis together...)

A girl. A journey of finding life, love, friendship and sisterhood.


One true self, finding herself with three new sisters. How would she tell her story?


It began with a conversation…


Signing out now,

Cheers.