I Have A Dream...

I do what I do, simply because I have a dream. Sometimes I forget, but I want to remember, and I want to share it with people, with people who may be dreaming the same dream as I do...

• I dream of making this world a better place, where people live in peace and love one another.
• Where people are not so rushed or hurried to pursue the riches in life, but take their time and feel one another, and feel the world, feel their existence in the world.
• I live, in a slower pace than most people around me. Perhaps I could slow down the hurried, the overly rushed, and make them feel and think, and enjoy their presence, here in the world... just like how nature, moves slowly, but surely.
• I dream that we would be kind to one another, that we would make decisions that considers the best interests of one another, that understand its effects and consequences to one another, that we do not simply take from others, what is not ours.
• I dream that we could live in harmony with nature, that we learn to realise that it is nature that offers us the greatest abundance, enough for all of us to share, that there is no need to fight or to steal or to compete.
• That our need for abundance does not need to be in conflict with the very nature of the universe, of our existence...

The Pressures We Put On Ourselves

About 2 years ago, I had a major breakthrough in my work with my body. I was finally able to understand how it feels to be truly aligned and released.

However, I was working in a static state, not dynamic - as in standing still vs. movements. The wonderful alignment cannot be sustained as I have yet to develop the necessary muscles to uphold that posture. To do so would take constant work of daily alignment and exercise. In addition to that, I have discovered some dormant muscle injury that was the result of an electro-acupuncture session gone wrong. It was an extremely challenging phase, not only physically, but also emotionally. Soon I slowly let it go, the old habits took over again and I lost that wonderful feeling.

2 years on, I find myself stuck at my performance level, and that there is no way to move forward other than to deal with my alignment again. This time, with a more prepared and positive mind set, and I opt to work more dynamically.

You see, the benefits of working dynamically (with movement) is that you are constantly building muscle and conditioning your movement habits as you work - rather than just "stacking" your joints and expect them to stay there.

So last week, during my dance sessions, as I was working on my body, I discovered 2 habits that was holding me back.

1. There is a sensation of pulling back/clawing down along my middle-lower back muscles.
My teacher commented about my habit of contracting that part of my back to develop an arch and to extend my legs backwards. Now I suddenly realised how dominant that sensation was in my overall body posture.

2. As I work to release that sensation, I found another, even more influential force that is holding me down - there is a pressure over the top of my head that is pressing me down.

Well, technically, it was me, putting that pressure on myself. But it did felt like an invisible hand pushing down on me. It's still me.

So what I did was, I mentally "opened up" this pressure over the top of my head, like opening a box and letting the sensation out.
The mantra I gave to myself was to "believe in the higher power," that is to trust the natural forces to hold up my body, instead of me trying do push myself up.

The counter force to that is also the ground. Dynamically speaking, the more force going downwards, the more counter force there is going upwards, which is how an extended, lengthened body comes about.

So the second mantra was to "believe in the ground I am stepping on." It is the sensation of developing trust, that all is fine.

This sensation extends the highly contracted muscles in my legs, especially my quadriceps and calves.

It is a wonderful load of pressure released from my body from these 2 exercises.

I hope that my sharing of my experiences can benefit your practices as well.

Until next time, warm regards...

"(Dancing is) constantly doing a lot of active stretches."
- Mew Chang Tsing

Show Someone You Love Them Today Through Affection

Just a random thought:

1. Hold their hand
2. Touch their cheek
3. Stroke their hair
4. Hold them around their shoulder
5. Give them a big hug
6. Cuddle with them
7. Pat them on the back
8. Give a warm smile
9. Look into their eyes
10. Wipe their tears away, just below the eyelids
11. Put their head on your shoulder
12. Hold both their hands
13. Sit with them
14. Kiss them on the cheek
15. Kiss them on the forehead
16. Kiss them on the nose
17. Kiss them on the lips
18. Kiss them on the back of their palm
19. Caress their hand and palm
20. Lie side by side
21. Lie head to head
22. Sit back to back
23. Put their head on your chest
24. Let them rest on your lap

How many more can you think of ?

We are not aware of how much damage we can do to others, until we realise how much damage others have done to us.

Similarly, there are people who can heal us so deeply, which shows how much we can help others heal too...

...Just the thought of the day.

About Me: The Long Story - My Love Affair With Movement

If you had read my about page, you would probably know a thing or 2 about me and my practice. But here, I will share the in-depth story of how I came to where I am at today.

I love movement

I have been studying movement all my life.

From dance, martial arts to sports, I have observed movement from a range of aspects and attempted to recreate them, to understand how movers move - how the best dancers dance, how actors act, how atheles jump, how action is created and how movement flow.

As I study these people more, I began to understand that there is a state of being in which these people had created, a stage persona in their performances. It is beyond what is taught in most lessons, what you see in the apparent.


In my career as a dance teacher, I had taught this method to my students in rehearsing for their dances. The difference is between a mediocre or technical performance, and an emotionally impactful performance.

What kind of dancer am I?

When most people ask me, "When did I first started dancing?" I didn't know how to answer them. Like most people, I started dancing when I was little, I mean baby. Unlike most people, I continued dancing and believing in dance, through adulthood.

I revel in art - I sing, play music, draw, paint, occasionally build or sculpt things, and I aspire to act.

I started off mostly as a self-taught dancer, emulating my idols from music videos and concert recordings, and just moving to the beat to music. I start off with dancing Canto-pop like idols Leslie Cheung, Aaron Kwok, Jimmy Lin and Dicky Chueng, during the late 1980's to the early 1990's, a time that could be described as the peak of the genre. It was a time of elaborate costumes, grand concert stadiums, world class  performances, and of course, superb dance performance and choreographies. The passion in the music and the moving beats sparked my interest in singing and dancing. Of course, the genre also occasionally offered its share of ballads and culturally influenced tunes, along with accompanying performances, sparking my interests in more traditional and lyrical dances.

In the late 1990's, I started paying more attention towards western pop culture. Dancing girl and boy bands - i.e. Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys, N'Sync - became a scarce oasis of reference towards stylistic physical expression. And then Britney Spears, and there were no others like her.

At that time, we have no MTV and there was no Youtube. Even my VCR at home was spoilt and not replaced. What you see on TV is what you get. As much as I wanted to dance along, I couldn't reference well enough, so I had to pick up the dances as I go. Even if there were good references, they were not like today's K-pop where they have complete dance videos. I had make up my own steps in betweens.


But of course, I was too ashamed to let anyone know I love to dance. People make comments. You are a bad kid if you shake your body. You can't really dance if you don't go for classes, but there were no classes to go for. Children are expected to sit still.

So, I practiced in private, when my parents were not around, when no one was watching.

I wanted to do everything. I loved moving, I indulged in martial arts and gymnastics. And as you can imagine, I simply couldn't sit still.

Training hard

It started with a discovery of my enthusiasm towards chinese period dramas with kungfu/wire-fu. It served to tie me towards deeply exploring my cultural roots, which led to my interest in spirituality. The visuals that I see in these stories triggered a sense of stories untold so full in my heart, that I had to express it out in some form of mono-acting, and I started practicing martial arts for the parts I play. I was mesmerised by the visuals of female-wirefu, which resembles a dance more than fighting, hoping to someday float, glide and display such grace and power at the same time. This eventually covered more female heroine characters, that are technically tomboys of period dramas. I started dreaming of becoming an actress, and at that time, Michelle Yeoh emerged as an icon of my dreams.


Immediately, I wanted to sign up for wushu classes to get started on my basics. Unfortunately, things didn't quite happen for me. I ended up settling for taekwando classes which were offered in my school. I didn't like sparring, but instead I trained hard to make sure my kicks and my taegeuks look good and perfect, all the way up to my black belt in year 2000.

Later, when I entered university, I finally got the chance to approach wushu and taichi. It was a wonder that the techniques are so different, so much more complex even on the lower level, but it also means much more variety in movements. I get to practice movement patterns that I had always wanted to do, it was something that I wished I had started earlier on, for the basics in taekwando didn't prepare me for this. I managed to do a few performances with the team, one which included using sticks. Unfortunately, I did not stay long enough to learn weapons which I had wanted so much years ago. My body was getting tired of the brutal hardness of learning martial arts. It is not what I want to do. However, the years of training had further developed the tough body that already was.

Bending soft

During my early childhood, I was exposed to an international aerobics. I was mesmerised with the participant's flexibility and ability to perform acrobatics like cartwheels and walkovers.

Then during the 1992 Olympic games, I fell in love with rhythmic gymnastics. But it was not until the next Olympic in 1996 that I get to watch it again on TV. I loved the grace, flexibility and dexterity of gymnasts. I also learned to pick up on the flow of their movements, which sparked my interests in gentler forms of dance.

Unfortunately, there were no known gymnastic classes at that time, or would it have been a worthy investment as by then, it would've been too late for me to start (it is important to take advantage of early childhood to develop the extreme flexibility required). But I never gave up on the dream of performing, so I resorted to self-training at home.


I became obsessed with stretching. My amateurish attempts at self-training were somewhat successful - I managed to achieve over-splits, a good level of back bend, and walkovers - but it had also left me riddled with injuries. I developed a lower back pain, and hip joint pain. I also learned that lack of proper warm up could result in torn hamstrings.

The body in conflict

Other than the activities I mentioned above, I was also a competitor in the school's high jump events. I started in my upper primary school, but did not do it again until my upper secondary years. Again, I worked very hard to train myself to jump higher, but in spite of the lower-body strength I developed, my achievements were limited and inconsistent. I was frustrated and didn't know what to do. My knees were aching. I didn't know what I did wrong.


Over the years, I kept pushing through in spite of my injuries so that I can do the things I loved. I kept fighting with my body to make it do better splits, but it seemed to have come to a plateau, while my hip joint became riddled with pain. My body no longer wants to put out the brute strength I was forcing it to. I was abusing my body, pressing on my spine, trying to tear my joints apart, punishing it when it doesn't give me what I want. My performance dropped. My body felt so heavy. All these training must have failed, I thought. I must be getting old. I was 20.

By year 2003, more injuries, coupled by other lifestyle factors had left me with little motivation. I stopped practicing wushu.

Going easy

Aside from the occasional music video dancing, a stretch or two here and there, I was no longer doing any serious physical training in the years that ensues. I swim, go to the gym, played badminton and took up archery to keep myself happy in between struggling through university coursework. Any serious endeavour towards physical achievement seemed out of reach by now. I will settle with being a multimedia designer.

Starting Over

So when I began working for a few months, and life seemed miserable and meaningless.

I asked myself, what would I have to do, that if I don't, I would die? Dance.
If I don't start dancing, I would die.

So I started searching through the net for dance courses that rings a bell to me, and in a convenient location. I wasn't driving at the time, and relied heavily on the LRT system. I took some trial classes in a few separate location, and I still haven't found what I want, until I happened upon Rivergrass Dance Academy and attended classes by it's founder/director, Ms. Mew Chang Tsing.

A new philosophy

The first thing that is very different from anything I have learned before is the attitude towards the body and towards movement.

The first was, to love our body, to treat it with kindness and respect. To not force the body to do something when it is already hurting, because when guided, gently, it will still be able to do what we want it to, without the unnecessary pain.

Second, is to listen to the body. The body has intelligence and it has movement, movement that is different from what is in the mind. If we can let go of the controlling mind, to be quiet and observe, the body will speak its language and give us it's answer.

Learning these two principles are a continuous process, but by first understanding its concepts and applicability, it is the first steps in the right direction.

Creating dance

As the process of our learning is mostly improvisational, very soon, I am creating dance. Its was like a burst pipe, where all my desires and longings for dance expressions finally found an outlet. Very soon, I was performing on-stage with the group, with my favourite, Lady In Red - a piece which carries a passionate, tango-flamenco tone with the music Assasins Tango.

It then followed by more and more pieces, and greater involvement within the contemporary dance community as a whole, a course on dance composition which led to my first solo piece, The Tree of Life, and the rest was history.

Aside from the influences mentioned above, I also came from a national school system with a heavy Malay cultural influence. at a very young age, I was exposed to Malay classical and folk dances, but I was most taken by Gamelan, Ulek Mayang, Asyik and Inang, because of how ethereal the dancers look on stage, with elaborate costumes, and hypnotic music.

I didn't know how I pick up on the love of spanish-influences dance, but the passion and sensuality speaks to me.

Teaching dance


This burst pipe of creativity eventually flooded into my dance teaching in the international school, where I choreographed pieces for the school production which I directed, working with other dance and music teachers, and the high school students who were given the freedom to create their own - it basically unleashed my creative monster - a playground where pop, contemporary, and cultural performance items co-existed and weave itself into a story of growing up, learning and living in harmony.

The result was, the students get to learn something totally new, the school get to see something new, and expose itself to various forms of dance, and with my performing experience, I helped the students polish their performance quality to a whole new level.

Teaching dance became something that I had-to-do!

What was most satisfying, was not about the choreography process or the performances themselves. But the growth and connection that came during and as a result of the production was where it was most beautiful.

During classes and rehearsals, I have worked with students of various levels, most do not have dance training outside what the school was able to provide. They spent many years not having a teacher who was actually trained in dance, as had been creating dance for performances on their own. I worked to create dances that is suitable for different age groups, different talents and capabilities, and together, I brought them to a level of performance that is entertaining and emotionally satisfying for both participants and audience.

Beauty in a dance performance had to first come from performance quality and polish.
These had to be a result of meticulous training and even nit-picking. Movements were cleaned up.

Then, there is a very basic but impotant element of appearing larger on stage that performers need to be aware of. Movements have to be larger, more lengthened. Students need to expand themselves into a space slightly beyond themselves. This often challenge people in their comfort zones.

Also, there is the element of eye-contact. Eyes needs to be looking in the right places. It was very difficult for students to look up when dancing initially. Most adolescents and teenagers have self-esteem issues. Dancing on-stage and looking up at the audience was most terrifying and unthinkable of. Eyes wander as a result of a wandering mind too. So much training was centered on them being focused and present in the performance itself.

Last but not least, the importance of emotional interaction. Students need to know what their dance is saying, or what they actually wanted to say to the audience in their dance. They learned to accept it, to be honest about it, about themselves and what they wanted to express, or what I needed them to express in their dance.

I talked to these dozens and hundreds of performing students, some on a deeper level. I got to know them on a personal level to understand their unique challenges, and coached them to overcome their own obstacles, bodily, mentally and emotionally.

What's next?

I believed that the training had challenged them to a greater level, but I believed that more people, young and old can benefit from learning dance and training for performance, and overcoming personal obstacles, moving out of their comfort zones. It is my wish to reach out to more people on the same, deep, soulful level, without the constraints of academic curricula which I had to juggle with in school. I wish to create for, and to spread the knowledge of using the body, and healing its injuries.

The healing process

Over the years, I began studying more about the body as I continue studying alot of personal-developement materials. I wanted to heal, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.

When I stumbled upon the works of Tony Robbins and understood how much body language affects a person. I saw a video and was very surprised he spoke to one of his workshop participants, and immediately see shifts in their body when their mindset changes. I began observing body language more deeply, and employed questioning techniques to heal my body and let my body work in a more harmonious way.
Many of these techniques were helpful when I was working with my students. I was very enthusiastic about the results that I got and I am determined to practice further and broaden my reach.

Who am I?

I see myself as a life-long learner and teacher. I love to coach people, to help bring out the best in them, in what they do, whatever it is they want to do, to connect with who they are, and find that creative side of them.

As a teacher, I believe that no one is too bad to learn, and no one is too good not to learn.

It is a matter of desire - do we wish to do it or not?

The jewel is inside everyone of us. You just have to draw it out of each person.

It gets personal


I employ techniques from life coaching and strategic intervention, understanding body language  from dance and improvisation, energy chakras and self-healing in my teaching. I do not believe in a sterile teaching environment. A teacher teaches best when she knows her students well, and directly meet her needs and deliver at her level.


For me, I keep learning from personal experiences, my meditations and my readings. I believe everyone should.


I hope to someday connect with you on our journey, where we can share and exchange in mind and creativity.

Love,

Why I Hated School and My Search for Happiness

This is to all my dear students who are still struggling through school, through teenagehood and those who are still struggling to find themselves. 

I've always remembered that as a child, I wasn't one who is very much a fun one to be with, nor have I found much capacity to have fun with other little kids.

Growing up into adolescence, I became one of those strange kids that people never liked. I talked about things that they don't care about, I behave in ways that they disapprove of, I was hyperactive, hyper emotional, super dreamy, and always in love with somebody I shouldn't.

There were years when I was socially ostracised, became the joke of the class or just simply became invisible. I was the ugly girl who was a little overweight, having too dark a skin, and not cute enough to deserve to be in the spotlight.

I didn't dare to be myself, and when I wanted to, I hardly got the opportunity. At first, I didn't dare to be too good academically as a few jealous kids will say mean things about it, think that I would be too proud, too full of myself. I had subconsciously lowered my scores eventually, just to fit in. Making a few mistakes in exam was more normal. Being too perfect was not.

Singing, dancing and acting was something I really liked, but never made it to the school choir, dance team or have more than a few lines to say in the class drama.I loved drawing and painting all my life, but somehow most of my art teachers in school never quite approved of my artistic tastes - except for one Puan Asnah.


I struggled to find physical and artistic expression - inside me was a monkey who wanted to burst out and jump across the streets, over the rooftops, summersault down the hallway, slide down the stair handles and take over the stage and be the perfect superstar!
But years of training have had it perfectly restrained.

I managed to find some relief in doing some high-jumping (which I wish I proper coaching for), taekwando (as a substitute for my kung-fu movie star/Michelle Yeoh dream) and very lousy basketball playing.

In the mean time, I also streched at home, danced to music videos, watched rhythmic gymnastics and trained myself in such, effectively turning my bed into a crashmat, with bad technique causing an injury or two. When all else fails, I punch pillows and walls and scream like a mad monster.

I was a super sensitive, super emo and constantly in need of love and craving for some warm displays of affection. but coming from a traditional Chinese family, affection is something that was not within the vocabulary. Spanking is what you get.

As it turns out, banging doors, crying, screaming out and withdrawal wouldn't get you the love you want. Comfort and affection might just very well be something you learn through your good friend.

I wanted to find peace. I tried meditation, but it took me to wierd places - at one time, I find myself stopped breathing, so I stopped. I loved nature, and had the chance to follow only 2 school expeditions to the wilderness over the years. I wished I could hide and stay there forever.

Life was super hard, I didn't see much meaning in life. I didn't know how to be happy. It was all dark and gloomy. I seek comfort in bonding with the school counsellor, Puan Siti Halimah. It was unfair because surely, she had many more students she would need to support, but I I studied religion - mostly Buddhism. I was always on the lookout for the love of my life, hoping that he would magically change my life and give me happiness, but its all just fantasy. I was completely incompatible with the school system and with my family culture.

The counsellor believed that I was having depression, but I didn't know what it was. A visit to  clinical psychologist was recommended, but back then, the stigma was still too strongly attached to psychologists, so I didn't.

My last 2 years in school slowed down as subjects became tougher, I became more lost, more drowned in the sea of syllabus. I didn't know what I was doing, I became even more of a zombie, but feigned humour and laughter to pass off as being sociable, if not to cheer myself up. I was secretly in love with a young taekwando instructor (my age) for years, until I was eventually exposed and coldly rejected. I procrastinated in all my homeworks and studying, except when I occasionally the strong motivation, flow or a sudden deep interest in certain topics. Some natural talent helps too. With factual topics like history, I was able to absorb I was hoping that college life would be outlet, but until then, I'll just have to pull through.

And pull through I did, as if with a noose around my neck, just slipping through the gates as it closes in.

Glad I am to be out of it. I hated school with a vengeance.

Life after school

Life after school has its ups and downs too, although I must say that it is a fairly pleasant one, or even way better compared to those school days.

During my university years, I get to move out of the house to live first in the campus hostel, then nearby the campus. My day to day living became independent of my family culture, and in fact, the family dynamics had positively changed, due to my absence. I felt missed and move loved because I am no longer always there, though I do go back on most weekends. I get to study in a course I had chosen for myself, which is creative multimedia and only need to bother about subjects that are relevant. As a design course, I bother mostly with practical design works which are much more interesting and easy for me to perform than reading endless loads of arbitrary information. Most textbooks or notes that we have to study can be directly applicable in practical work, or is somewhat relevant to my field of interest. Life, needless to say, became much more pleasant.

Socially, I also get to start over with groups of new people, who are more similar than me, rather than different. Some more "extremely strange" that I thought I was, but there is a positive sense of appreciation in these eccentric self-expressions. I also managed to get into a relationship which lasted throughout my university years, and beyond.

Of course, not all are a bed of roses. As the course got tougher in the second year, bad habits, unproductive behaviour and dysfunctional personality traits starts to surface.

For the first time, we were presented with unlimited broadband internet, now wired 24/7 - with a myraid of video files shared, games, internet mini games, MMORPG, endless instant messaging, Friendster, Google, Wikipedia. Too many distractions that proved to be more fun and exciting that coursework, unfortunately - and I'm only human. Staying up till dawn and chit-chatting with roommates are some of the most enjoyable things to do during those times.

As expected, I started to not perform as well as I could have. As I struggle to pick myself up again, fighting the distractions, procrastinations, I started to turn my work in late. I didn't feel good about it at all. I had my depressive mood swings again, anxiety attacks and inferiority complex. I struggled with myself, I badly wanted to learn how to deal with myself, because I knew I could do better than this, but I didn't know how to. I was falling behind, further and further. I wasn't happy in my relationship, yet I don't know what to do, or... I just simply didn't have the balls to do what I should do.

In search of happiness

In spite of the lack of external stressor such as family and undesirable study subjects, I still wasn't a very happy person. There was always something wrong somewhere. I always didn't want to do my coursework, even when the rush and excitement of internet and video games reduced. And all these addictive activities didn't exactly make me very happy either. They were just addictive and somewhat pleasant.

I kept myself productive with abit of choir, wushu (continuing my dream of succeeding Michelle Yeoh) and taichi (I wanted to be a kungfu master for real), some organising and comittee work, and a little dancing here and there.

I was constantly stressed and somewhat not quite happy, sometimes without good reason. I wasn't happy in my relationship, but I couldn't understand why. I wanted to understand more about my self, and how to make the best of it. I wanted to be productive, but most of all, I wanted to be happy.

It was then that I began my long search for happiness.

In search of the meaning of life

One issue that had plagued me for a very long time was finding the meaning of life. I wanted to find a reason to live. But most of all, I wanted to know how people live happily, because I felt that if I wasn't happy, then life is not worth living. And I was unhappy so much of the time, I wanted to change that.

I have learned about Buddha's search for happiness when I was in school, and I researched more during these times. I had a picture of the concept, and had contemplated the monastic path, but I didn't think it was applicable at this point. I kept looking.

I search internet for psychology and self-help articles. They helped me understand depression and some other such conditions. I find it comforting to know that there is an explanation for how I feel.


I began consulting the University counsellor too, who encouraged me to push on.

My then boyfriend also borrowed me books on self help.
Life Strategies for Teens was a good workbook style book which introduced to me the concept of "pay-off", understanding that there is a reason why we do what we do, even if we know it was a negative behaviour. It is one that I would recommend to young people who are struggling to understand their own negative behaviour.

The 7 Habits on the other hand, is a timeless guidebook on personal development, on the self, and our role within our surroundings. It was a book that I knew I had to buy and keep my own copy and reread it after I finished reading the borrowed one.
Years after reading it, I somehow would still mentally refer to some of it's concepts when encountering challenging life-situations. True principles never fail the tests of time. In fact, time strengthens principles, and this book is all about it.

I came into the concept of happiness coming from pleasure, engagement and meaning, in which true happiness has to come from engagement and meaning.

Then, I came acorss Viktor Frankl and his search for meaning. He came to the conclusion that the lack of meaning is the cause of unhappiness and inner conflict in people, that people need to find meaning in their lives, no matter what their circumstances.

I hadn't had a very clear sense of meaning yet by then, but I suppose that one pain suffered is a lessons for another.

Finding the flow

I initially enrolled myself in a majoring subject which I knew would be difficult for me, Flash scripting and all. I thought that it has more job options for me in the future and that the (in)famously strict lecturer would motivate me to do well. Unfortunately, it ended up back-firing. I was already dropping out, half-way through. The kind of work also proved to be not my cup of tea.

I lost confidence in myself, took a break from studies and worked part time before I can start a new academic year in a new majoring course. This helped reset things for me again.

I finally decided to take up virtual reality when I returned. 3d seems fun, the interaction didn't seem as complicated as the Flash stuff, my confidence was low, so I thought I'll just take it slow, in a new environment, new coursemates. New beginnings are always good, always hopeful, always fresh. I tried harder this time, did better, and started to find a little flow in my work.

During our final year, we were set to go for our intership training, before we return to complete our final year projects. During the internship training, my boss at the architecture firm, Mr. Ahmad where I was learning to do architecture visualisations guided me through patiently. He supported me and guided patiently in the process, that I begin go have confidence in my ability to work and produce efficiently again in my final year and in my future workplace. This gave me momentum to do well in my final projects for my university degree. I pushed harder, learned from my course mates, I was enjoying the flow of seeing my work improve, I liked the idea of my project, and I liked the process of creating it. It was fun, it was engaging, and I was close to success.

I was very focused on it, and by then, was not participating in any more co-curricular activities other than the one last thing I wanted to do before I graduate - archery.

But it wasn't easy. Just like in archery, my aiming skills are pretty rubbish. My perfectionism proves to be a dangerous ally and enemy. It was with alot of help, alot of push and encouragement from people around me that I had finally made it through my degree. It wasn't bad though, my portfolio earned me an employment in a multinational game company. I expected the employment to be a start of an exciting journey.

What is life about?

But after a few months, something in me started dying inside.

I started to question myself, what is it? What would I need to do, to not die?

Dance. It says.

Yes, I had not been dancing for quite a while. In fact, I was hardly moving ever since I started working here.

I started searching for a place to learn dance for real, and I found my teacher, Mew Chang Tsing. 

I didn't really know much about her back then, or what to expect in her class. I just went to her website, I liked the pictures I see there, I felt good about doing contemporary dance, I called up to ask about the nearest upcoming class, attended it as a trial class, and jumped straight in. I knew it was exactly what I need, what my soul needed. No questions about that.


So, I was enjoying what I do. I had a job that I sort of enjoy doing, and I have a hobby which I really love, but somehow, something still doesn't feel quite right. Weekends, week night, I still don't feel quite happy about where I am at. I didn't like my environment, although I work around the very nicely built KL Sentral area. It was too polluted, too much concrete.

I went for a trip to the Taman Negara, fell in love with the jungles all over again, and had bouts of depression by the time I return.

My company produced nice racing games, won an award or two, but unfortunately, I wasn't as enthused or excited or happy as I was supposed to be. It didn't matter to me. It was meaningless to me. I think of the time when I was addicted to video games, and I felt guilty for making one.

Man's search for meaning

It was then that I reminded myself that I could be doing much more than what I am doing - something closer to what I would wish for the world to be - a utopia of nature preserved and of caring people.

By then, I was working with a coach to help me find an outlet to this dilemma. As fun as 3D was, it didn't quite provide that meaning necessary in finding lasting happiness.

I wanted to change the world. I wanted to change its people. And the way for me to do?

I wanted to work in an NGO, but I was too emotionally vulnerable at that time. You got to be strong if you are doing advocacy.

I wanted to be a forest ranger, but then, I would still miss some of the luxuries of city life - nice dresses to wear, looking pretty and all.

Well, maybe I can be a teacher!


The love of teaching


The people who knew me and the people who had taught before would know how difficult yet fulfilling the profession is. It was challenging to the core, and somehow, I get to be a dance teacher, which also provided me with some of my most engaging experiences.

Seeing people grow and improve before your eyes, under your coaching was one of the most beautiful things one can do. It was a time when I got to expand my creative flair and had greatly strengthened my core values - self-honesty and capacity for love.

And sometimes, it was the most difficult students who touches your heart most deeply.

And then, I get to tell young people stories about life, about the "real world" outside, about saving the world, about finding themselves, loving themselves. Work was wonderful.

Love and truth

Most of all, I learnt about love. To love all, to love people as people, to connect with people, soul to soul, to tell people the truth, to be honest with ourselves and with the people we talk to. I found that it is only at this level of honesty that the heart can be touched, that lives can be changed. There is no other way.

Eventually, this path of love and truth has brought me to the next step. As much as the work was fulfilling, the school environment was still very limiting towards love and truth. I believed that I can do better beyond the boundaries of the school gates. I believe that there is more to dance, than just learning to dance.

Happiness is being able to express one's self to the fullest

My search for meaning began with the search for happiness. And my search for happiness became synonymous with the search for meaning.

In life, we are not here just to make ourselves happy, or please ourselves. By just pleasing ourselves, indulging in superficial activities of fun and enjoyment, we can be happy in the moment, but feel bored and empty soon after.

True fulfillment comes with overcoming challenges. True fulfillment requires passion - doing what we truly love. Doing the things we truly love may be a challenging task, whether it is to hike up a mountain, learn to dance, teaching children, create something new, writing a song, or anything. But there are things in this world that are worth doing, even if it is difficult and challenging, because it gives meaning to us.

Some people said, we are here to serve others. But what I found to be most true is that we are here to express our fullest self, and when we do so, we touch others as well, for within us, is an unlimited potential, which wants to be expressed, just like a seed holds the potential to become a full grown tree.

One does not feel fulfilled unless he/she is able to do to things he/she wants, and express love to loved ones the way he/she wants.

As my journey continues on, I seek to continually express my truest self, to share my soul with others, and to engage the souls of others. We are not perfect, we are growing together, each at our very own pace. If we stop growing, we are dying.



I believe that I can reach out through my dance and my teaching, and I am always grateful for those whose souls I have engaged in the past. I know that this is what I must do, because I love you. Because I love myself, because I want to make myself happy, I love you.


Do you know who you are?

Do you know who you are?
Do you love yourself inside?
Would you give love to the one inside?
You should, because you deserve to. When was the last time you gave yourself love?
You, my dear, could do nothing wrong, for you are only love. To deny love, is to deny you.
Love you, be you, and peace be you. You deserve to be you and nothing else, like no one else, so stop trying, and just start being.

Express yourself the way you need to express you.
Pick up the right skill if it helps you.
Speak your mind, make your statement if you have to.
Never stop believe in the voice inside you.

Dig deeper and you will find your core, of who is truly you. Love, accept, be.

Love,