I've always remembered that as a child, I wasn't one who is very much a fun one to be with, nor have I found much capacity to have fun with other little kids.
Growing up into adolescence, I became one of those strange kids that people never liked. I talked about things that they don't care about, I behave in ways that they disapprove of, I was hyperactive, hyper emotional, super dreamy, and always in love with somebody I shouldn't.
There were years when I was socially ostracised, became the joke of the class or just simply became invisible. I was the ugly girl who was a little overweight, having too dark a skin, and not cute enough to deserve to be in the spotlight.
I didn't dare to be myself, and when I wanted to, I hardly got the opportunity. At first, I didn't dare to be too good academically as a few jealous kids will say mean things about it, think that I would be too proud, too full of myself. I had subconsciously lowered my scores eventually, just to fit in. Making a few mistakes in exam was more normal. Being too perfect was not.
Singing, dancing and acting was something I really liked, but never made it to the school choir, dance team or have more than a few lines to say in the class drama.I loved drawing and painting all my life, but somehow most of my art teachers in school never quite approved of my artistic tastes - except for one Puan Asnah.
I struggled to find physical and artistic expression - inside me was a monkey who wanted to burst out and jump across the streets, over the rooftops, summersault down the hallway, slide down the stair handles and take over the stage and be the perfect superstar!
But years of training have had it perfectly restrained.
I managed to find some relief in doing some high-jumping (which I wish I proper coaching for), taekwando (as a substitute for my kung-fu movie star/Michelle Yeoh dream) and very lousy basketball playing.
In the mean time, I also streched at home, danced to music videos, watched rhythmic gymnastics and trained myself in such, effectively turning my bed into a crashmat, with bad technique causing an injury or two. When all else fails, I punch pillows and walls and scream like a mad monster.
I was a super sensitive, super emo and constantly in need of love and craving for some warm displays of affection. but coming from a traditional Chinese family, affection is something that was not within the vocabulary. Spanking is what you get.
As it turns out, banging doors, crying, screaming out and withdrawal wouldn't get you the love you want. Comfort and affection might just very well be something you learn through your good friend.
I wanted to find peace. I tried meditation, but it took me to wierd places - at one time, I find myself stopped breathing, so I stopped. I loved nature, and had the chance to follow only 2 school expeditions to the wilderness over the years. I wished I could hide and stay there forever.
Life was super hard, I didn't see much meaning in life. I didn't know how to be happy. It was all dark and gloomy. I seek comfort in bonding with the school counsellor, Puan Siti Halimah. It was unfair because surely, she had many more students she would need to support, but I I studied religion - mostly Buddhism. I was always on the lookout for the love of my life, hoping that he would magically change my life and give me happiness, but its all just fantasy. I was completely incompatible with the school system and with my family culture.
The counsellor believed that I was having depression, but I didn't know what it was. A visit to clinical psychologist was recommended, but back then, the stigma was still too strongly attached to psychologists, so I didn't.
My last 2 years in school slowed down as subjects became tougher, I became more lost, more drowned in the sea of syllabus. I didn't know what I was doing, I became even more of a zombie, but feigned humour and laughter to pass off as being sociable, if not to cheer myself up. I was secretly in love with a young taekwando instructor (my age) for years, until I was eventually exposed and coldly rejected. I procrastinated in all my homeworks and studying, except when I occasionally the strong motivation, flow or a sudden deep interest in certain topics. Some natural talent helps too. With factual topics like history, I was able to absorb I was hoping that college life would be outlet, but until then, I'll just have to pull through.
And pull through I did, as if with a noose around my neck, just slipping through the gates as it closes in.
Glad I am to be out of it. I hated school with a vengeance.
Life after school
Life after school has its ups and downs too, although I must say that it is a fairly pleasant one, or even way better compared to those school days.
During my university years, I get to move out of the house to live first in the campus hostel, then nearby the campus. My day to day living became independent of my family culture, and in fact, the family dynamics had positively changed, due to my absence. I felt missed and move loved because I am no longer always there, though I do go back on most weekends. I get to study in a course I had chosen for myself, which is creative multimedia and only need to bother about subjects that are relevant. As a design course, I bother mostly with practical design works which are much more interesting and easy for me to perform than reading endless loads of arbitrary information. Most textbooks or notes that we have to study can be directly applicable in practical work, or is somewhat relevant to my field of interest. Life, needless to say, became much more pleasant.
Socially, I also get to start over with groups of new people, who are more similar than me, rather than different. Some more "extremely strange" that I thought I was, but there is a positive sense of appreciation in these eccentric self-expressions. I also managed to get into a relationship which lasted throughout my university years, and beyond.
Of course, not all are a bed of roses. As the course got tougher in the second year, bad habits, unproductive behaviour and dysfunctional personality traits starts to surface.
For the first time, we were presented with unlimited broadband internet, now wired 24/7 - with a myraid of video files shared, games, internet mini games, MMORPG, endless instant messaging, Friendster, Google, Wikipedia. Too many distractions that proved to be more fun and exciting that coursework, unfortunately - and I'm only human. Staying up till dawn and chit-chatting with roommates are some of the most enjoyable things to do during those times.
As expected, I started to not perform as well as I could have. As I struggle to pick myself up again, fighting the distractions, procrastinations, I started to turn my work in late. I didn't feel good about it at all. I had my depressive mood swings again, anxiety attacks and inferiority complex. I struggled with myself, I badly wanted to learn how to deal with myself, because I knew I could do better than this, but I didn't know how to. I was falling behind, further and further. I wasn't happy in my relationship, yet I don't know what to do, or... I just simply didn't have the balls to do what I should do.
In search of happiness
In spite of the lack of external stressor such as family and undesirable study subjects, I still wasn't a very happy person. There was always something wrong somewhere. I always didn't want to do my coursework, even when the rush and excitement of internet and video games reduced. And all these addictive activities didn't exactly make me very happy either. They were just addictive and somewhat pleasant.
I kept myself productive with abit of choir, wushu (continuing my dream of succeeding Michelle Yeoh) and taichi (I wanted to be a kungfu master for real), some organising and comittee work, and a little dancing here and there.
I was constantly stressed and somewhat not quite happy, sometimes without good reason. I wasn't happy in my relationship, but I couldn't understand why. I wanted to understand more about my self, and how to make the best of it. I wanted to be productive, but most of all, I wanted to be happy.
It was then that I began my long search for happiness.
In search of the meaning of life
One issue that had plagued me for a very long time was finding the meaning of life. I wanted to find a reason to live. But most of all, I wanted to know how people live happily, because I felt that if I wasn't happy, then life is not worth living. And I was unhappy so much of the time, I wanted to change that.
I have learned about Buddha's search for happiness when I was in school, and I researched more during these times. I had a picture of the concept, and had contemplated the monastic path, but I didn't think it was applicable at this point. I kept looking.
I search internet for psychology and self-help articles. They helped me understand depression and some other such conditions. I find it comforting to know that there is an explanation for how I feel.
I began consulting the University counsellor too, who encouraged me to push on.
My then boyfriend also borrowed me books on self help.
Life Strategies for Teens was a good workbook style book which introduced to me the concept of "pay-off", understanding that there is a reason why we do what we do, even if we know it was a negative behaviour. It is one that I would recommend to young people who are struggling to understand their own negative behaviour.
The 7 Habits
on the other hand, is a timeless guidebook on personal development, on
the self, and our role within our surroundings. It was a book that I
knew I had to buy and keep my own copy and reread it after I finished
reading the borrowed one.Years after reading it, I somehow would still mentally refer to some of it's concepts when encountering challenging life-situations. True principles never fail the tests of time. In fact, time strengthens principles, and this book is all about it.
I came into the concept of happiness coming from pleasure, engagement and meaning, in which true happiness has to come from engagement and meaning.
Then, I came acorss Viktor Frankl and his search for meaning. He came to the conclusion that the lack of meaning is the cause of unhappiness and inner conflict in people, that people need to find meaning in their lives, no matter what their circumstances.
I hadn't had a very clear sense of meaning yet by then, but I suppose that one pain suffered is a lessons for another.
Finding the flow
I initially enrolled myself in a majoring subject which I knew would be difficult for me, Flash scripting and all. I thought that it has more job options for me in the future and that the (in)famously strict lecturer would motivate me to do well. Unfortunately, it ended up back-firing. I was already dropping out, half-way through. The kind of work also proved to be not my cup of tea.
I lost confidence in myself, took a break from studies and worked part time before I can start a new academic year in a new majoring course. This helped reset things for me again.
I finally decided to take up virtual reality when I returned. 3d seems fun, the interaction didn't seem as complicated as the Flash stuff, my confidence was low, so I thought I'll just take it slow, in a new environment, new coursemates. New beginnings are always good, always hopeful, always fresh. I tried harder this time, did better, and started to find a little flow in my work.
During our final year, we were set to go for our intership training, before we return to complete our final year projects. During the internship training, my boss at the architecture firm, Mr. Ahmad where I was learning to do architecture visualisations guided me through patiently. He supported me and guided patiently in the process, that I begin go have confidence in my ability to work and produce efficiently again in my final year and in my future workplace. This gave me momentum to do well in my final projects for my university degree. I pushed harder, learned from my course mates, I was enjoying the flow of seeing my work improve, I liked the idea of my project, and I liked the process of creating it. It was fun, it was engaging, and I was close to success.
I was very focused on it, and by then, was not participating in any more co-curricular activities other than the one last thing I wanted to do before I graduate - archery.
But it wasn't easy. Just like in archery, my aiming skills are pretty rubbish. My perfectionism proves to be a dangerous ally and enemy. It was with alot of help, alot of push and encouragement from people around me that I had finally made it through my degree. It wasn't bad though, my portfolio earned me an employment in a multinational game company. I expected the employment to be a start of an exciting journey.
What is life about?
But after a few months, something in me started dying inside.
I started to question myself, what is it? What would I need to do, to not die?
Dance. It says.
Yes, I had not been dancing for quite a while. In fact, I was hardly moving ever since I started working here.
I started searching for a place to learn dance for real, and I found my teacher, Mew Chang Tsing.
I didn't really know much about her back then, or what to expect in her class. I just went to her website, I liked the pictures I see there, I felt good about doing contemporary dance, I called up to ask about the nearest upcoming class, attended it as a trial class, and jumped straight in. I knew it was exactly what I need, what my soul needed. No questions about that.
So, I was enjoying what I do. I had a job that I sort of enjoy doing, and I have a hobby which I really love, but somehow, something still doesn't feel quite right. Weekends, week night, I still don't feel quite happy about where I am at. I didn't like my environment, although I work around the very nicely built KL Sentral area. It was too polluted, too much concrete.
I went for a trip to the Taman Negara, fell in love with the jungles all over again, and had bouts of depression by the time I return.
My company produced nice racing games, won an award or two, but unfortunately, I wasn't as enthused or excited or happy as I was supposed to be. It didn't matter to me. It was meaningless to me. I think of the time when I was addicted to video games, and I felt guilty for making one.
Man's search for meaning
It was then that I reminded myself that I could be doing much more than what I am doing - something closer to what I would wish for the world to be - a utopia of nature preserved and of caring people.
By then, I was working with a coach to help me find an outlet to this dilemma. As fun as 3D was, it didn't quite provide that meaning necessary in finding lasting happiness.
I wanted to change the world. I wanted to change its people. And the way for me to do?
I wanted to work in an NGO, but I was too emotionally vulnerable at that time. You got to be strong if you are doing advocacy.
I wanted to be a forest ranger, but then, I would still miss some of the luxuries of city life - nice dresses to wear, looking pretty and all.
Well, maybe I can be a teacher!
The love of teaching
The people who knew me and the people who had taught before would know how difficult yet fulfilling the profession is. It was challenging to the core, and somehow, I get to be a dance teacher, which also provided me with some of my most engaging experiences.
Seeing people grow and improve before your eyes, under your coaching was one of the most beautiful things one can do. It was a time when I got to expand my creative flair and had greatly strengthened my core values - self-honesty and capacity for love.
And sometimes, it was the most difficult students who touches your heart most deeply.
And then, I get to tell young people stories about life, about the "real world" outside, about saving the world, about finding themselves, loving themselves. Work was wonderful.
Love and truth
Most of all, I learnt about love. To love all, to love people as people, to connect with people, soul to soul, to tell people the truth, to be honest with ourselves and with the people we talk to. I found that it is only at this level of honesty that the heart can be touched, that lives can be changed. There is no other way.
Eventually, this path of love and truth has brought me to the next step. As much as the work was fulfilling, the school environment was still very limiting towards love and truth. I believed that I can do better beyond the boundaries of the school gates. I believe that there is more to dance, than just learning to dance.
Happiness is being able to express one's self to the fullest
My search for meaning began with the search for happiness. And my search for happiness became synonymous with the search for meaning.
In life, we are not here just to make ourselves happy, or please ourselves. By just pleasing ourselves, indulging in superficial activities of fun and enjoyment, we can be happy in the moment, but feel bored and empty soon after.
True fulfillment comes with overcoming challenges. True fulfillment requires passion - doing what we truly love. Doing the things we truly love may be a challenging task, whether it is to hike up a mountain, learn to dance, teaching children, create something new, writing a song, or anything. But there are things in this world that are worth doing, even if it is difficult and challenging, because it gives meaning to us.
Some people said, we are here to serve others. But what I found to be most true is that we are here to express our fullest self, and when we do so, we touch others as well, for within us, is an unlimited potential, which wants to be expressed, just like a seed holds the potential to become a full grown tree.
One does not feel fulfilled unless he/she is able to do to things he/she wants, and express love to loved ones the way he/she wants.
As my journey continues on, I seek to continually express my truest self, to share my soul with others, and to engage the souls of others. We are not perfect, we are growing together, each at our very own pace. If we stop growing, we are dying.
I believe that I can reach out through my dance and my teaching, and I am always grateful for those whose souls I have engaged in the past. I know that this is what I must do, because I love you. Because I love myself, because I want to make myself happy, I love you.
Do you know who you are?
Do you know who you are?
Do you love yourself inside?
Would you give love to the one inside?
You should, because you deserve to. When was the last time you gave yourself love?
You, my dear, could do nothing wrong, for you are only love. To deny love, is to deny you.
Love you, be you, and peace be you. You deserve to be you and nothing else, like no one else, so stop trying, and just start being.
Express yourself the way you need to express you.
Pick up the right skill if it helps you.
Speak your mind, make your statement if you have to.
Never stop believe in the voice inside you.
Dig deeper and you will find your core, of who is truly you. Love, accept, be.
Love,
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