So, looks like it's been years since I last posted on this blog.
Why? Because I simply lost the inspiration. Not just the inspiration to write, but the inspiration to create anything, to dance, even to live...
This past 5-6 years had been a whirlwind of ups and downs. Mostly downs, but I trust that they were for good reasons...
I went back to full time work, left again, struggled with my back pain/total half body pain and terrible ankle sprain, struggling to create dance again, learning about the material world, discovered my twin flame, discovered yoga, going back to my spiritual journey, starting again...
The first year in, 2013, while I try to continue teaching, creating and performing, I couldn't deny my creative block anymore, and I continued to be flooded with the pressure of needing to do more and better. This while I was struggling with the excruciating muscle and nerve pain in my back. I lost my inspiration..
Going back into full time work...
About a year in, I had a double-whammy ankle sprain. Twice, same leg. The first one was when I was still freelancing and part timing. I heard my ligament pop. I knew it's bad. I've twisted my ankle numerous times, but I've never had it so bad. I was out for about a week, but I went back into teaching too soon, too eager to earn my wage, didn't give it enough time to recover fully. I had an upcoming performance in about a week, more rehearsals with Qi Dancers (a Chinese dance troupe I was part of at that time, lead by Jack Kek). Only 2 days of rest, I gave myself. It was swollen inside for so many days as I worked hard, I was living hand to mouth. I was rehearsing, dancing on heels, on hard ground. To top it off, on the same day of the sprain, I have a computer CPU slide off a desk and nailed it's sharp edge onto my little toe. I knew it would have fractured it. I remember so well the pain I was in.
I also remembered the desperation that drove me to take up a full time job, as they needed people, and I need to feel 'taken care of', as a full time employee. I didn't want to have to treat myself that way again, without paid sick leave and all.
Unfortunately, just a few months in, I had a little incident at the trampoline. I was bounced unexpectedly, not a big deal supposedly, but my ankle was loose and it gave way, folding inwards. I knew it was terrible. I hear all the small ligaments tear. I cried, worrying if I'll even walk normally again, much less dance. I was out - couldn't was for a month, went on crutches. Fortunately, I get to witness the amazing power of the body, repairing itself and making do with such damages. Slowly, I was able to walk again, and although I stopped going for dance for 3 months, I started again, very very slowly. I knew things are off. In fact, all of my right side is off, but at least, I can walk, and can dance again.
I even joined Short+Sweet Dance KL 2015 with a new solo work, and the following year, did a production celebrating women in dance in She Moves Me, 2016 with Into The Wind and another new, contemporary Chinese fan dance, Flower. In spite of all these efforts to create, and my stint in the dance troupe, nothing seems to bring back the magic that helped me create the way I used to. I'm not quite satisfied with my performances myself as I know my technique is not at its optimal level.
Maybe it's ok...
Maybe not...
And my work seems to be a continuous uphill learning curve for me. Beside learning to coach and spot gymnastics skills, I also learned many administrative, sales and paperwork skills, and things escalated so quickly, I eventually became the manager. Although it was a good learning platform, lots of fun and cuteness with little children, and exciting skills, and the financial stability it offered, after 2 years, the stress started driving me down the pits of my mental
health and I urgently needed to see a counselor again. And I had to stop going for dance classes as my technique kept declining along with the condition of my body.
On the physical level, the impact of the work is very hard on my already twisted body. By then, I knew that if I want to be able to dance again, I have to leave this job and retrain myself. But I was reluctant to leave the stability and predictability of the job, the potential for growth and continuous development in this area.
Decisions...
Somewhere in my 3rd year, I took interest in a workshop by the Dance for Parkinsons program. The 3 day program reminded me how wonderful dance is. The teacher, a former professional company dancer herself, was so graceful, it made me miss my dancing body so much, and the lovely music that accompanies. It was such a stark contrast to my current work nature.
Finally, it came to a point where I had to decide between my life and the job. And the answer became obvious...
After I handed in my resignation, I followed my sister to a 2 day, yoga retreat conducted by her favourite teacher in her previous gym, Chris Su. I was previously resistant to yoga. On the hand, as a dancer, I did not have the patience to hold poses and such. I feel better to be constantly in motion and use dance-based conditioning to strengthen my body. On the other hand, while I am open to practices of stillness/mindfulness and meditation, the handful of yoga sessions that I have tried did not meet such expectations either, as it was too fast to maintain a meditative state.
Discovering yoga
But she insisted that this teacher is very good. Plus, it's a yin-yang yoga and meditation retreat. Sounds good, I thought. I'd do that. And she was right. I fell in love with Yin Yoga. The retreat was slow-paced and relaxing. Some became unexpectedly challenging, but not surprising, knowing the condition of my body. By then, my body was so hardened, that towards the end of the retreat, feeling them come loose, I cried in my reflective sharing, thanking the teacher for helping me unlock my body and feel less pain again.
During the retreat, he mentioned that "yoga is a lifestyle," that he lives the yoga life, and it is rewarding. Those words struck me.
I recalled how I used to live the dancer lifestyle. I was always aware, always taking care of my body, and also always mindful of my thoughts and actions. I knew I needed to make mindfulness my lifestyle again.
I started attending yoga classes at ML yoga, and the owner of the studio, Mei Yuen, also taught me CAT (Critical Alignment Therapy), a style of therapy yoga to help me with my back.
I soon learn about teacher Chris Su's Yin Yoga Teacher Training and did not hesitate to sign up for it. The 1 week intensive training was just as healing and satisfying, physically and intellectually. The environment created was filled with positive energy, and the knowledge given motivated me to want to teach this to more people.
I started teaching as replacement teacher in various studios. But even more so I started teaching private classes, which I enjoy immensely, as I was able to fully tune in to the clients' needs and design the sessions specifically to their needs. It helps them so much so quickly. And I added singing bowls into my practice, which they love, as it simply bring a sense of calmness and draws one into their meditative state.
The battle is not over
The journey of recovery for my body was not so simple. I started off with physiotherapy and visits to the orthopedic at KL General Hospital, taking some nerve vitamins and muscle creams, electro-stimulation therapy, some stretching and exercises. While I went for treatment while still working full time, the recovery was so slow and I could hardly rest before abusing my body again. It certainly gets better after I left the job. The treatment reduced the electric shock sensations, at least in intensity. But I know there is still much much more to deal with.
Later, I also started going for acupuncture at Tung Shin Hospital. All these gave me results. But not fully. I was discharged from KLGH. I did acupuncture for a year plus. By then, early 2017, I started to regain more and more sensation in the muscles in the right side of my body. The pain also continue to reduce. But the muscles are still hardened, hiding some pain in its deep folds.
Discovering Vipasanna
Coming back into freelance work for the second time, I was much more certain about what I'm doing, and how I want to do it. I'm less nervous, with some skills in my pocket, experiences under my belt and savings in my bank.
But it doesn't change the fact that it gets stressful at times. Being a freelancer is like running your own business. You have to stand in the storm on your own, make critical decisions, and simply make sure you earn enough to pay your bills and such. There will be good times, that gets tiring, or bad times, which is great time to rest, but where stress will also start eating into your consciousness.
I soon find it hard to continue healing my body with the tension in my mind, and started looking for a get away...
I started googling for 'meditation retreat', and found Vipassana Meditation. It is a 10 day (actually 12 days) course. A huge commitment and time away from my work, no contact, no phones, no talking. But I decided that it would be best to give myself this time to get away.
Learning backwards
I went for my first retreat in April 2018. At first, I thought I would have blended it perfectly with that setting. A state of meditation. But who would have thought... I was somewhat tense and mentally resistant. I had constant mental chatter, and it even made jokes to me the first afternoon in the main meditation hall. My limbs were clumsy during meal time, knocking things around, making noise.
I understand that it was the years of lack of mindfulness, the tension, and constant battle with my body. It took me until the 8th day, to realise, I wasn't quite into it. My body was still super tense. I was rushing through the whole meditation technique. As I find us approaching the end of the retreat, I thought to myself that I had to make something out of it. I started going back to the basics - of what I learned when I first started my dance class...
I started observing my hands, gently moving and releasing, working upward into my shoulders, neck, head. And then my toes, my feet, moving upwards into my hip. My breathing started slowing down, I started to remember vaguely, what it is like to be in meditation, well... just scratching the surface of it, but still, it's progress...
Finally, my back. I observe a huge chunk of hardened muscles. That night, I lie, just being aware of that chunk, and slowly releasing, reminding myself that much of the intense pain I used to experience is no longer there....
On the 10th day, when we get to talk, I spoke to a participant who drove us to the location. He shared how he too, had a hard time following through with the technique. And when discussing with the teacher, he was told to go back to basics.
"Start again, start again."
That mantra, that was repeated during the meditation instructions suddenly became more meaningful and important than I ever thought it would be. When all fails, don't be afraid to start from the first step again. I was relieved to hear that, as I needed it too. I started again too... from the beginning. So much relief, so much more relaxed, than trying to achieve something by trying too hard.
Start again...
By the end of the program, they showed us a video promoting "vipassana service", voluntering to cook and clean for participants, as a great way to continue the practice, paying it forward and gaining merits. I knew by then that I will have to do this.
By the end of the year, I had arranged to go once again, this time, as a server. While servers do work, we also get to meditate 3 times a day with the whole group. It was a great way to start again, refresh myself on the technique again carefully, this time, more calmly.
From this time's Vipassana, I was able to bring home more. In my subsequent classes, I was able to recall more and more what I was taught all these time, about the body, mindfulness/meditative state and emotional release.
The people I met in the server team were all wonderful people. And it made my stay there so enjoyable, warm, and meaningful. Among them is Pey Ling, who later went on and became my dance student.
Dance again...
Actually, towards the end of the year, my contemporary classes have stalled. Students simply weren't a match to my style, and I felt the need to grow away from my previous style of teaching too.
I the mean time, DCPA, the studio I was teaching at had a concert in December 5, 2018, and I choreographed a piece, Asmaradana, for the teachers. And I performed in 2 more. I was glad that my body is able to dance again. Not optimal, but definitely much better than how it was 2 years ago.
I decided that I will make dance my pet project, where I will not put pressure on myself to teach or choreograph in any way that I do not enjoy. And on top of that, I needed students who are open to explore inner work, personal development and really commit to improving themselves in order to improve their technique in dance.
And Pey Ling was the right candidate.
You may read about her experience in my class here in Mandarin.
As my body continued to improve with the help of yoga, meditation, and other self-healing techniques, I know that the next step to take is to go back to my dance teacher's class.
The spiritual journey - diving into darkness
Among all these things that happened, there was another layer to why things happened the way they did.
When I decided to take up my full time job, I made a decision to be more 'present' in the 'material world', so called more 'grounded'. My intuitive eye was shut off. The chatter of my imagination was shut. I treated my body like a machine.
I didn't realise how detrimental that decision was to my body and my creative mind was, until much later.
It was the reason why I wasn't able to heal and why I can no longer create. Why I no longer feel things when I listen to wonderful music.
At some point, I also started judging my own taste in music and choreography. I've gotten feedbacks that 'they were too dark'. So I made efforts to steer clear of 'darker' music and emotions.
But darkness simply means the other side of our consciousness. It is neither good nor bad. Teal Swan explains it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2s8I3yq-Kmo and here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHPI6LucOo0
Also found in Carl Jung psychology.
As it turns out, that's where my creativity lies...
At the beginning of this journey, I suffered an energetic attack. I was overwhelmed by a dark energy that came out of the body of a friend, into mine. When I couldn't fight it off, I reacted with fear. With the help of a relative who became a spiritual medium, she locked down my spiritual field.
But realising the consequences of that lockdown, I had asked to be released.
This release also meant that I will deal with the darkness itself, and I shall no longer fear it.
I understood that much of the darkness hides many things that were actually my own... my memories, my pain - without which the dark energies wouldn't be able to attach themselves. Vipassana taught me to face it equanimously. With no judgement. And as I faced it fearlessly, it loses it power over me.
My twin flame journey too had contributed much to my overall growth as a person and spiritually, but that will not be discussed here.
With that, I dove more into this empty void that is the right side of my body. In it, seems to lie my creative world, that has a hint of darkness.
Alone In The Dark
To summarise it all, it definitely felt like I went through a dark tunnel of learning and self discovery. You can even consider this as a 'coming out' as a spiritual person.
With this, hopefully, I'm actually seeing a glimpse of becoming more whole again as a person, artist, and meditator.
I recently went back to dance class, feeling like I'm finally ready for the next step to return my body back to it's optimal, dancing level again. Those first few classes were awkward, I was so stiff. But with every session, I was lead to re-learn, re-condition and re-open my body to greater healing and greater performance again.
The journey will continue...
I also found the new style of music that she uses in class interesting. I went searching for such genres, while I also went around listening to my old favourite music, that used to stimulate my imagination.
As searched, I found this beautiful music, Alone In The Dark. It gives me a feeling of emerging from this lonely darkness, which hopefully is where I am at now. Plus it's electro-synth with a spirited, ethnic-tribal wailing voice, what's not to love...
And here it is, I share with you, Alone In The Dark, by Flaer Smin...
