Grief...
As human beings, it is inevitable that we will encounter losses and pains, in one way or another...
And in it, we grief. Yet, there are times when the pain or loss seems too great, too painful for us to deal with at any one time. So we put off dealing with this pain of loss. We put off grieving... When we suffer a loss, it is natural that we go through the 5 steps of grieving:
Shock > Denial > Anger > Bargaining > Acceptance
I know that I, for one, is not someone who deals with grief and loss very well. As a child, I remember feeling very intense emotions, very intense pain when dealing with minor separations and losses. It was so great, that I didn't know how to deal with them. Surely, it did not help for adults around me to just downplay my emotions...
"Oh, it's no big deal. Get over it..."
"Stop crying. Don't cry over such silly things..."
"Don't worry, we'll get another one in the future/we'll see them again next time..."
etc.
Surely, they meant well, but as a child, hearing these words, I can only assume that emotions are not normal or even not real, that I'm being ridiculous or weird for feeling the way I felt. So the only way is for me to do what seems to be the most practical thing to do - push it down and numb it out.
For a long time, that's all I did...and kept trying harder to do... numb it out, push it down, pretend that everything is ok... But everything is not ok... And sometimes, they spill out. Or someone perceptive would tell me - "it's all over your face..." Yet, I didn't know what to do with them. Try harder to hide?
It is only much much later, in my years of teaching dance, discovering my dancing body, going deep into meditation and trusting the voices within me, that it started to become obvious. All those pain that I thought I've pushed down or numbed out, were all still inside of me...hidden...
The pain manifests in tightness, and even injury. Sometimes they express themselves in sickness, or drama with people around me... but they all were there for a reason - I need to feel them...
Feel, process... in other words, go through the grieving process of it.
Over the years, one by one, things came out. Sometimes, they just rush past like a storm. Others, they come through one by one for me to contemplate and see clearly.
Either way, there is no escaping. It is only through acceptance, allowing... Allowing myself to feel, to experience it in its full extend, and let it go, that I can fully heal from them... As many are saying now, "you gotta feel it to heal it...". I knew it all too well myself.
At this point of time, I am grieving a loss. I can feel there is so much grief in my body, I can't just force myself to dance and pretend to be upbeat, that everything is ok. But I slowly work through them.
Sometimes, I seem to be progressing, sometimes, I seem to be taking 3 steps back. While there is new grief, there are also lots of old, unaddressed grief, and all kinds of things I didn't know I would feel, but it's ok.
I trust the process, and I'll keep going, and healing.
And with each cycle, I feel lighter and brighter, more clearer and centred within myself.
