The Child Who Defies

Children.
I have been dealing with children in my profession about 3 or so years ago,ever since I started teaching at an international school.

At the first glance, most children seem simple, shallow-minded, innocent. What care do they have in the world?

However, as every educator of children would, I soon faced with problems of misbehaviour. Distruption of the classroom, defiance of instructions, hurting others, destroying properties, all are but a few of very common behavioural problems within a classroom.

Having found myself in situations where I feel trapped in a classrooms full of destructive kids and just struggling to survive, I have certainly learned a thing or two about them.

I have learned that...

They are not monsters at all, they are just kids.
Kids whom you can talk to, listen to, chat with, share things in common with.
Kids with stories to tell - sad, joyful, funny, inspiring - yes, even the worst ones.

If they misbehave in your class, they probably have deeper problems outside of the classroom.
Some could be dealing with friend issues - like bullying, acceptance, self-esteem issues, among others - but most commonly problems at home.

Family problems affect younger children the most.
Among the dozens of students I've spoken to regarding distruptive behaviours in and outside of the classroom, many have problems within their families such as divorce or an absent parent (may be due to frequent travelling, tight working schedules or living with a guardian).

Problems such as divorce affect younger children the most. The sudden change in family dynamics, or the prospect of it can cause drastic changes in behaviour, causing them to be destructive or attention seeking.

Many kids are overly pressured these days.
Perhaps you might have seen an "unhappy child". This is not your kid who throws a tantrum in the mall when the parents won't buy that candy bar.
Unlike most kids, they hardly get excited over the little things that excite most children like a toy or a candy bar.
When they can barely hold up their heavy school bag, they are already too worried about their test results next week, going to one tuition after another, and taking multiple language lessons, music, art, ballet, taekwando, swimming, badminton, mental arithmatic, computer... and the list goes on and on. Some superkids.

Simply put, they were expected to achieve too much for too young an age.

Encouraging children to aim for excellence and develop skills and interests outside of the classroom is not a bad thing at all. Infact, it helps build a child to become a better person.

But the problem starts when parents make demands for them to perform, in ways that they couldn't, and as a result, withdraw love from them.

We as a society have become so associated with quantitative achievement, failing which may result in a scolding, nagging, corporal punishment, cold treatment, ostracising, shaming, etc. so much that it makes a child believe that they have to earn a parent's love, affection and attention. And that there is no such thing as an unconditional love. Yes, not even a parent's love.

What kind of person will that become? In my opinion, either one who lacks self-worth or is overly materialistic.

Kids that are the most problematic as the ones who need most of our love.
Their problematic behaviour is often a sign that they are lacking in love somewhere - could be at home, could be the school, could be their social circle.

But we as educators, the least we could to for them is to give as much love as we can to them. To see them as people, whom we want to understand and help, and not just mindless animals we need to try to control.

Many destructive behaviour are either imitations of behaviours they have witnessed in adults, an expression of the hurt, pain and anger they felt inflicted by others, or an outlet to release pent-up frustrations from pressures around them - an expression of their unmet needs.

Speak to them and empathise with them by learning their back story. You'd be surprised how mature they really are, how complex their emotions can be, how observant they are of the world, and how sensitive they are to the little things that matter - things that makes us all human.

Children are just children
They are people, just like you and me, only in a smaller body, and probably a more limited vocabulary.
But they are also here to learn, for they don't know.
They have hopes and dreams, ambition and disappointment.
They have the most desire to please, to love and be loved. Otherwise, they just want you to pay attention!
They may not be the way we want them to be, but they have to be allowed to be who they are.

Children need to be allowed to be children - to learn through play, to make mistakes, to be allowed to fail to learn, to find their natural strengths and talents, to love and be forgiving by being loved and being forgiven.

There is no one way to raise a child. Like they said, "Treat your children equally by treating them differently."

Each child is different and unique, and responds differently to different forms of upbringing. But one can only know what's best by giving your full love, attention and acceptance of who the child is and have the potential to be.

No one is perfect, but everyone is trying their best.
Everyone, young and old, including ones who seemed to be failing at what they do, really are trying their best. 
Every parent, every teacher, really are doing what they think is best for the children.

Just that sometimes, what we think is best may not be the best.

But we keep trying, we keep learning, asking, observing, hopefully, it's as close to perfect as we can get.  


So, what have you learned about children and people?